taratemima | (no subject)

Christmas was okay, lots of cash and gift certificates. One of the relatives didn't make it, I must send them a thank-you letter.

Strangest surprise was G e-mailing again. Says he was thinking about how badly things went the last few times we saw each other. Passive voice, you know, like something happened. He was the one who decided things were getting too intense, decided not to tell me about other women he was dating (it was the telling part that pissed me off).

When I met him, he seemed fun, likeable, someone to talk about stuff, and maybe do more. I told him I wanted a serious relationship.

I don't know what I want from serious anymore. I don't know if I want to trust him again. I don't even know what I want anymore. I just want not to abandoned. I want people I thought was so cool to take me into their cocooned existence. I want a support system that I don't have to go to Baltimore for.

I want to go back to posting to netgoth and maybe even spies, I want to have people to talk to me more than five seconds, I want friends. I want to know if I am so inhibited that I scare people, I want to know if Jhn ever talked smack about me, if anyone wonders where I was.

On a more positive note, I am taking ballet and belly-dancing lessons as soon as I figure if I am staying in school or working for a leave of absense. Fucking bursar's block. Do people dilike me for being broke and living w/ my mom? I feel I can't keep up, but I have no idea if I should keep up.