taratemima | As Gawd is mah witness (Reply)

I finally wrote that letter to Arik. Went on the last train afterwards, put on Fade (why Fade? Because my Cure tapes were back home), and sobbed. I am still feeling gloomy though, listless, like a chunk of my heart was torn out. It will be like smoking--after two weeks, it will be like we never met.

Or so I tell myself. I cannot be just his friend, I cannot just be his lover, and this 'more than friends, really attracted to each other, but he already has someone he loves more or just doesn't want to let go of' limbo drives me batty. If I am going to be alone and dateless, why not go all the way?

How is he going to take it? Well, he has said once or twice if I decide never to speak to him again, he would understand. He also rarely answers his e-mail. It may take a while, and it is not unusual for me to not contact him for a long period, since I have my busy periods. Hell, it is not usual for him to not contact me for a while, since his busy periods involve long hours of studio work.

Still, the part that has overdosed on John Hughes movies and Shakespearan tragedies wishes that he reads the letter, decides he cannot live without me, and tries to find me, tries to tell me he wants me as ... I cannot think of the word. Unlikely to happen. Why sacrifice something that lasted for ten years for something that will last for only four months? Best he settle his own problems with Theresa without me as a distraction.

I think of all the people I haven't been in contact for a long time. Mashuko, Mateusz, Angus, Lawrence, Hitchens, MysteryMeat, Portia, Addie. Goddamn, for someone who worries that she is too freakish to get a date, I get people who either want to date me but are far away, or people I have dated I am still friends with. Funny, I percieve myself as more the Phantom of the Opera than Scarlett O'Hara.