taratemima | Entries tagged with brooding

I've stayed in the past few weekends. It was my fault--I felt mopey and sick and isolated myself.

It is weird having a holiday in the middle of the week.

I have been working steadily on my database of places where I can apply for jobs. It is slow but I do manage to get a lot lopped off or get more information.

I may be taking a class in medical writing. One possibility is getting an internship, but I'd need to see how I do.

I had written my first short story in a long while, but I want feedback first. I have others I still would like to write down.

Will need to write the lecture notes and try to fill in blank spots. Gah, I need to learn to take better notes. Or use lots of the handouts.
Oh, and happy b-day,

watercolorblue

A boy read my Tarot cards 13-14 years ago in the Pit. Thoth deck. I thought of kissing him after, but pulled away.

Two weeks ago, at the no-longer-housewarming party, I thought I saw him again. He was taller, though, his face was fuller. But I remember that hair, I remember those glasses, and the gentle look.

I should have asked him if he was that boy. Maybe he remembered what my reading was. I certainly cannot.

Went back to work. Less coughing, but I cannot do high notes, and I still cough hard.

I think I have an idea of a 'perfect job', but I have to work at it a little.

I feel more energetic, but I am aware that I need to go to bed early enough to keep that momentum. So, night.

Current Mood: good

Due to

rubynye and despite recent wanking (basically, someone objected to the start of the challenge being on Sukkot/Simchat Torah, and that spawned a whole bunch of made-up holidays to mock-flounce about, statements that all those references to Christmas is non-denomitional and totally inclusive and why are those religious minorities going on about their holidays [how Bill O'Reilly of you] and variations on 'talking "too much" about identity', 'looking for reasons to be offended', and other goodies, and occasional bouts of sanity like pointing out it was running for two weeks and she would still have time, and um, actually Sukkot is kinda busy, that the virulent response only proves the OP right when she feels like her opinion doesn't matter, and Christmas can be celebrated different ways), I joined

yuletide and even requested a fandom that was offered with no takers.

Some fandoms, I must confess, I chose because it would motivate me to read the book/watch the movie/get the TV series. Anyway, I hope it made someone happy.

I've also been debating whether or not to comment on f_w about this. It isn't the being the long dissenting voice against 'LOL SHE'S SO OVERSENSITIVE'. It's because 1) I don't believe this is happening, and 2) I'm too used to being in the corner and shutting the fuck up.

( Since it has passed and taking up too much space on my journal )

Current Mood: fulfilled

I've gone to bed early the last few days because I've been having headaches or some other problems. It's getting darker and harder to wake up.

However, I did get to the Saturday party. I also did practice driving. I went through a rigmarole over the lost bus pass, but I got an order for a new one next month, I hope.

I need to visit my brother. I got a good quarterly review, but what I really want is direction, what role to work for and the intermediate positions to get there.

( Read more... )

Current Mood: blank

Thursday: I find out Patrick Wolf is playing that night. However, I am tired and need to do the bathroom. I give myself a test: take a nap and see how I feel. I wake up from sleep, check mail, and go back to sleep.

Friday: Call to cancel a driving practice. I felt lame for not confirming it sooner. Clean bathroom.

Today: Go to driving school for my first on-the-road lesson. I should relax, not grip the wheel or push on the levers so hard. Right. I was just glad I made it out of the parking lot without hitting anything.

I hunt for my bus pass, but it is nowhere. I tried to cancel my reoccurring pass order, but I cannot get my account open. That annoys me. I'm not happy about having to spend more money on a pass when I just got this one. Plus, my copy of Letters From Earth is missing.

I should be getting some chocolate treat for the party later. Instead, I play Kingdom of Loathing and feel frustrated that I cannot think of where either of those items are. I wonder if it is worth it to go to the party.

I have veggies I should steam for dinner rather than going out. Sunday, more driving and visiting my brother.

Current Mood: annoyed

I felt this odd antsiness all day, then this evening, numbness.

I went to a bris, but forgot about helping people move. There is a lot more to talk about, but I am feeling uncomfortable. I am thinking of my life so far too, and feeling like I've been numb or with uncompleted plans.

I am wondering when I will unfreeze.

I am silently despairing of finishing my paper. It is not the length, but that I am so afraid that I will sound like an idiot on it, like I am not sure what point I want to get across. How do you set up tests for these unanswered questions? One person volunteered if I read psychological work, I would know. No, no, it is not a matter of subjects, I don't know WHAT kinds of tests to give.

I am doing nothing this weekend, breaking up long periods of reading by fusting around on the computer. Dinner is the highlight of my day (which I typed earlier 'dead.' Yeah).

Someone's post about programming made me think of it. I am not a good coder, I do not the organization necessary for it, even though I understand the concepts behind it. If I make up my mind to re-learn C++ and Perl (maybe Prolog, I am told it is used much in natural language processing), it will be a purpose, with lots of hand-holding.

I need some hand-holding, because it is lonely here. I don't always think about it, and it was amerolized due to meeting new people, but I never talk much to them. It is my fault, feeling exposed and judged and not doing enough and slacking off too much. Maybe I don't want to build any kind of resume anymore. I was mildly obsessed about while attending classes, but I don't know if I even want a career in the field I have my degree. Maybe I just want a job that pays okay, where the people are okay, and I have some free time.

But what if I regret not going to grad school? How long is too long to wait? Is there a glut/shortage cycle of jobs in the natural language processing area? Will I pay those student loans? What am I going to do in the end?

"You can trust us to stick to you through thick and thin - to the bitter end. And you can trust us to keep any secret of yours - closer than you keep it yourself. But you cannot trust us to let you face trouble alone, and go off without a word. We are your friends, Frodo."

- Meriadoc (Merry) Brandybuck in "The Lord of the Rings" by J. R. R. Tolkein (1954) "The Followship of The Ring".

Current Mood: coming down after a crying jag
Current Music: "Sparks" by Faith and the Muse

So, I am on a list dedicated to making imaginary worlds. I have no ideas for a mythos, no discernable landscape, but I wonder if the world in my dreams is not a good subject for study.

It weirds me out that my dreams seemed centered in Boston, involving members of my family and some friends, but it is an alternate Boston, where every house has antique furniture and esoteric books, where everyone leaves in big old houses and has parties, where I am held by ones I love. That counts as fantasy, right? :)

*sigh* I have no ideas. Sorry.

Current Mood: contemplative

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who want someone else to rescue them from their demons and fill up the holes in their souls, and those who are committed to rescuing themselves and filling the holes in their own souls. I believe that many of you Sagittarians are now at a crossroads: You're undergoing a self-exploration that'll determine which of the two types you will be for many years to come. I'm sure you know how I hope it all turns out.

So, I am thinking of talking to a professional when I get to California. Professional what? I can't decide. Therapist? Rabbi? Allergy specialist? Dentist? Tarot reader? What's the worst they can say?

"Yes, you're doing a lot of things that are fucking you up academically, emotionally, and spiritually, not just from the lack of social skills from Aspergers, the attention span from ADD, or the possible dysthemia. And you are letting them slide because what you have is all you know, and all you may ever know."

"Maybe converting to Judaism is not what you need, or any religion for now. Maybe you shouldn't seek any instant community, easy serenity, or other people totally understanding your inner self. That's what cults prey on."

"You are allergic to mold, dust, pollen, and possibly peanuts. And your exercise and diet ain't great either."

"Four extractions, two implants, maybe a bridge."

"Miss Cleo sees you having another identity crisis."

I have been alternately bored, wanting contact, and panicking about work and homework. Work is so damn boring and nerve-racking at the same time (being an evil telemarketer and all) that it is more a matter of making enough hours to get paid decently and at the same time keep my sanity rather than advancing and taking on more responsiblity.

Flipping through some random journals, someone mentions His Name is Alive as an interest. I taped one song of theirs for a mix tape for Sivan, a little ditty with lyrics like 'can't go on without you/times three times.' I doubt that's the title--I really hate it when people assume that the most perdominant line in the song is the title. Don't people bother to actually search for the title anymore? Or am being being a pedant (great prep for a career in a used record store!)?

"You know, that song, "The Funk Soul Brother?"
"You mean, 'Rockerfeller Skank'?"
"It's called that?"

It sticks in my head, this very minimalistic song with this strong pull. He loved that song, and was surprised I even knew who His Name Is Alive was.

Don't get me started on the Swans, My Bloody Valentine, Ocean Blue, the Swirlies, the Blue Nile, Deep Forest, and (good god in heaven) the Cure. I put those on the same mix tape for Sivan too, along with some Augustus Pablo piece and Siouxsie and the Banshees (Impress yer friends--it's 'sue-see' not 'sue-shee' I think the 'sh' in 'banshees' trip people up). Play Disintergration and watch me crumple like paper.

Current Mood: nostalgic

I have my characters from Birch Circle (the comic book script I am writing) getting into my head in strange times. I rarely talk about this other than with members of my writer's group, but they have little political debates, tell stories of places they have gone, rant about how crappy boy bands are. I want to finish the script, if only because they want it finished. And for the record, I am sane, no voices telling me to kill and all that, dammit.

And I still need to send in my applications. I got an interview with some non-profit dealing with neurological disorders--they may or may not pay me. I could give a care, it's experience. However, I am slacking deliberately on Symbolic Logic homework. Ugh, the trouble is not with me not understanding formal proofs, and different rules, it is with me second guessing my methods of getting to the conclusions. Am I doing this right, following the procedures, or doing all wrong with the sort of confidence of knowing enough to screw up?

I am not a fanatical anime fan, but I like watching random episodes (Tencho Miyo, Ramna 1/2, Revolutionary Girl Utena and whatever looks interesting) and find some of the conventions getting into what I write (what is Meg Dunsmuir but a amalagation of Buffy Summers and Sailor Neptune, with some Celtic solar hero DNA thrown in?). I also have this fixation on KISS dolls. Hey, I liked paper dolls as a kid. And I became more familiar with different series, and the different plots in manga through it. I cannot read Japanese, so actual immersion in manga will have to hold off (and I know there is some English translations, I just don't know where the good ones are).

Why is Arik never there when I have AIM on? We seem to have a relationship. Not just friends, not exactly love, but more like lurve. Very goofy, very flirty, with me not caring that his girlfriend is watching us like a hawk. Ideally, I want Theresa to know that, hey, we are flirting with each other, having intense conversations, and yes, we don't mean to, but . . .I think the phrase for what ends up happening is second base. I have considerably less angst about it than I did a year or so ago. Less of a fear that I will end up alone and he will still have her. Less of the wish that he would rescue me from my loneliness. I don't know how to explain, but I am gaining self-sufficency in emotional matters, feeling less I NEED to be with someone. I want to, often, and I miss certain people, but I can survive.

Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: Floodland, Sisters of Mercy

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taratemima

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I remember the strangest things
My thoughts on bigotry, let me show you them
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This QOTD came up after speaking to John . . .
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from freewillastrology . . .
His Name Is Alive brings back something in me
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Page generated Apr. 26th, 2026 11:35 am

Thanksgiving

Rough drafts toward a great work

Entries tagged with brooding

(no subject)

I remember the strangest things

My thoughts on bigotry, let me show you them

Updates

(no subject)

(no subject)

(no subject)

This QOTD came up after speaking to John . . .

(no subject)

from freewillastrology . . .

His Name Is Alive brings back something in me

Putting it off and rambling

Profile

April 2026

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