Thanksgiving

I am silently despairing of finishing my paper. It is not the length, but that I am so afraid that I will sound like an idiot on it, like I am not sure what point I want to get across. How do you set up tests for these unanswered questions? One person volunteered if I read psychological work, I would know. No, no, it is not a matter of subjects, I don't know WHAT kinds of tests to give.

I am doing nothing this weekend, breaking up long periods of reading by fusting around on the computer. Dinner is the highlight of my day (which I typed earlier 'dead.' Yeah).

Someone's post about programming made me think of it. I am not a good coder, I do not the organization necessary for it, even though I understand the concepts behind it. If I make up my mind to re-learn C++ and Perl (maybe Prolog, I am told it is used much in natural language processing), it will be a purpose, with lots of hand-holding.

I need some hand-holding, because it is lonely here. I don't always think about it, and it was amerolized due to meeting new people, but I never talk much to them. It is my fault, feeling exposed and judged and not doing enough and slacking off too much. Maybe I don't want to build any kind of resume anymore. I was mildly obsessed about while attending classes, but I don't know if I even want a career in the field I have my degree. Maybe I just want a job that pays okay, where the people are okay, and I have some free time.

But what if I regret not going to grad school? How long is too long to wait? Is there a glut/shortage cycle of jobs in the natural language processing area? Will I pay those student loans? What am I going to do in the end?

Transcript needs to be mailed.

Tooth needs to be extracted (I've been through this before, don't want to bleed profusely during important reading, so I am holding off until I get home).

Third paper needs to be read. Go me. I am sure all that is coming out is a rant about labeling and proposals to recruit more lil bilingual children.

I'll also have to get back to Sivan by phone, catch with Mom, and see if Arik and John are around. Answer Aidan's e-mail.

Well, went to Student Health. No wonder I've been sick and tired for so long--I have mono. Whee.

So, anyway, London After Midnight is playing some place in LA. I find them cheesy but okay. It will prolly be a Friday night to Saturday morning thing. Should I go, or wait for some International Pop Overthrow shows?

[Poll #2288]

Birds always get trapped in the Student Center, and I get to hear them tweet pitifully.

Babyland--a lot of fun. I would have pogoed more if I didn't have a headache. Got a CD. Pretty decent. Go me. Songs at point remind me of Killing Joke in a good way.

My weekend otherwise was quiet, trying to chat with Sivan, going to a Santa Rosa Hall barbeque. Bought some 'swinger's magazine' in attempt to find a girlfriend. A poor attempt, I must add. What was I thinking? I want company and a tour guide, not just sex. Hell, at this point, I don't care about the sex.

Diva Destruction, another interesting band, is playing on the 10th in San Francisco. Should I make a day of it? How do I get there on time when a Greyhound bus ride is 9 hours and a train ride is 12 hours?

I am terrified of biking down real steep hills, even if they do lead to the beach.

Another early morning monologue

Where do the child martyrs of wars go? When they see the spectral highways of the Otherworld, with its currents of regret and loss, will their innocence of endings and failure protect them, or will the reality of no Paradise hit them like a bully's punch? When they see their enemies, the men they are told kill children without remorse, sitting along streets of cobweb and drinking air, crying over fighting wars when they could have dived for pearls, they are not evil to them, are they? Maybe there is no place to go after death, thought patterns dying like fireworks. I am curious about neurological signatures, but wonder if there is a reality beyond the head, a place for the stray currents and spindles to go.

On brighter notes, I found out on a belly dancing instructor will be on campus for an intensive class tomorrow, and I am looking forward to going, even if I have to eat breakfast late. I am still having gunk come out of me, but I feel awake and alive. I had a good breakfast of frozen caramel mocha and chocolate crossiant.

I had to hold off calling Arik's show, remembering Pacific vs. Eastern time, wondering if even listening is a bad idea. Crap, it will just go into cycles again. How I can still have warm feelings about this jackass?

Rented my bike. Whee!

I had the most absurd, yet scariest nightmare in a long while last night. I was shown different rooms with stuffed toy animals (teddy bears, plush wolves, and the like), and was going along fine, until I came into full of stuffed toy cobras. I screamed for someone to get me out. As it turned out, I screamed in real time too, scaring Sivan out of his wits. He says he was close to having a heart attack with my screaming. Afterwards, I was shaking so badly that it took two hours to get some sleep. And what the hell was I afraid of?

I thought of this monologue while trying to calm myself down.

I hate cobras. Snakes I can deal with, I even held a python once. Bigger predators--you don't bother them, and they won't bother you.

Cobras are so noticable and unpredictable to me, and even though I know the northeast is not the type of climate for them, I am so scared of finding one under my bed, under my blanket, deciding I am a nuisence, and biting me. I feel little twinges of pain and numbness, which I imagine would be like poison.

I never want to go anywhere those things are. Not India, not Egypt, not the local zoo. Shit, whose to say that one couldn't break out and go looking for rats and other good things? Whose to say that one of these hooded bastards won't attack my little toe?

I hate cartoon representations of them, hated seeing one of them as a Pokemon card. Those things are not fucking ornaments. They are the sharks of the ground.

Some nights, I work myself in a frenzy, I have to reassure myself that everything is as it is, that I won't get bitten, that the hissing I hear is just the radiator. I have no idea if they would attack me. They'd probably see me screaming and running to the highest place I can find, decide I am not a mouse, get bored, and slither away.

I better a ferret would be nice to have. Saw them in a pet store, all cute and furry and sleepy while their albino cousin ran around the cage. A ferret would be good to have, good to let sleep in the closet. After all, they are related to the mongoose, and the mongoose kill cobras.