Thanksgiving

Yesterday: I did not get to swim, but I got to spend time with people, see a band and see fire-spinning. Someone gave his business card when I expressed interest in learning it. I got a ride home from happyfunpaul and hugs and advice from people.

Today: I tried two different sort of brownies. One was fat-free and made with yogurt. I much perfer the 'bad for me' version.

Damn, voice lessons conflict with a SIPB acquaintance's seder. I am not sure what to do about this in between religions thing. I am not sure if I can ever compromise with being this odd writer person that can only take children in small doses and wants to be emotionally attached to both sexes (I got the physical attraction thing going, but it is the emotions and intellectual alignment that really makes it work). I am not sure what to take out of my journey away from the narrow place, what is essential and what takes too long and too much room. What is lamb and what is chametz.

Last night, I went to a going away party, complete with the roast of the gentleman (apparently responsible for many purity points subtracted). Nerissa and Fionnuala were there, mingling with and away from their girl toy and boy toy. I made a conscious effort not to be overly friendly, hell, I'll even not talk to them if that is what they want.

No, no, Fionnuala's SO was not a boy toy. He was a quiet redhead who seemed to think I was okay, but I got a 'I am here to drink and people-watch, I am fairly introverted, so don't push too hard' vibe. But there is no way it could ever go beyond saying hi. Look, he was tall and self-possessed, I was a geek in a Spam t-shirt. I dislike these mild crushes on pretty men, because I seem like a clumsy, graceless oaf in comprasion.

Nor was Nerissa's S.O. As I much as I think I move on, I have no right to pour whatever resentment I have on them. In fact, I am wondering why it is so important to me they are friends and how enraged I am they are not. I cannot make them do what they do not want, nor can I make them feel what they do not feel.

I either talked to other people, or wander into other conversations. I also got tipsy, but somehow, I did not rant about embarrassing incidents like other times. All I remember is that the chocolate chip brownies tasted really good with Guinness. I also got information about bellydancing and an In Nomine game.

I finished also a rant about the Robin Lakoff's book Language and Woman's Place. It was originally a scholarly response paper, but it turned into a rant. Basically, why I am supposed to be the guardian of morality and the protector of husband and children because I have XX chromosomes. Some would point to the persistance of that idea in 2001 as proof as its validity. Maybe, but there has always been women rebelling against for longer. I know why. Some women want their influence to go beyond the domestic sphere. Some women realize enforcing standards of politeness, standards of empathy, standards of behavior, is exhausting, bound up with envy of people who flaunt, and frankly not fun. Also, for the longest time, you may be have been the bad cop in your kids' lives, but you still could not own property, go to court, vote, or even walk in some places.

Who wouldn't want to go out in the world, even if it is a small thing like a bike ride or a letter to a Congress member? No wonder a lot of women have been in the front lines of any American political crusade in this century.

I am trying to figure the best part of expectations about womanhood and the parts I can do without.