taratemima | nasty auditory hallunications to The The (Reply)

Hello from beautiful snow bound Quincy. Not as snowbound, but still. I spent the days either napping, watching TV, reading, writing, with occasional laundry and steps shoveling. Exams are coming soon, and I will have to decide what to do in between the end of exams and the beginning of Spring quarter.

Currently, I am tired. I got Chinese food last night, ended with a vivid MSG-fueled trip down grudges I have held for Stephen, Fionnuala, and any one I just felt like getting angry at, anyone who didn't want to be my lover, anyone who just wanted to be an acquaintance, never asked about my problems, my feelings, my hopes. Cried for Arik for just being reasonable, for letting me go. I cannot make people feel the same way I do, but it looks all the more better for being out of reach. If they could only see the real me . . .but I am afraid the real me just ain't good enough for them. What the hell is good enough for them? A flashy surface? A wit like iced tea? A harder heart than I can make it? What is they want from me? Nothing? They just want nothing?

And have you ever wanted something so badly
that it possessed your body & your soul
through the night & through the day
until you finally get it!
And then you realise that it wasn't what you wanted after all.
And then those selfsame sickly little thoughts
now go & attach themselves to something....
....or somebody....new!
And the whole goddamn thing starts all over again.
--"True Happiness This Way Lies," The The

I woke up on time, but still feel very tired. I am trying to plan a trip. I figured since I was going to go to Santa Barbara, why not visit someone in Austin? Hey, Hitchens has been bugging me to come down to Virginia, so why not before then? Let's stop at Las Vegas. I am wondering if I am biting off more than I can chew, if I should calm myself. But hey, STA Travel can take me from Boston to Dulles to Austin to Las Vegas, and I can use this bus pass thingy to go everywhere on the California coast, including San Francisco.

I'd love to say I am a pilgrim soul, waiting to give in to my long-repressed gypsy soul. But, I am really more antsy. Should I settle in California? Should I even do this? Do I want to go to grad school? Do I want to find rest, afraid I'll be imprisoned?

Thoughts of going to somewhere sunny that is not populated by people who look better in bikinis is keeping me sane through everything.