(no subject)

[taratemima]

Well, got declined for a loan. Perhaps trying to cover so many debts
with one loan was bad idea. Owe $300 for rent, Sallie Mae is probably going to take out some. Leaves me with $50 until the middle of the month. No idea how to set up a payment plan for that, since I still have hospital bills to pay. The only good thing is after three consective on time payments, I can take a consolidation loan
for that. If I owe backrent, I don't know what the hell I am going to do.

Probably what really embarrassed me was the guy asking if I had any
savings to apply to this. No, I don't. Then again, why should I bother saving? I fritter my money away, or have some expense to pay, or that wonderful combination of both. I just can't see how I could ever survive in my own apartment. May as well get used to the sound of my mom's boyfriend's daughter calling everything and everyone 'gay.' I'll be hearing it for a long time.

Frankly, I don't deserve to search for a higher-paying job. I thought that this was all I need to pay rent and student loans and save money for my own place, but it isn't working like I thought it would. Nine months of fucking up and wasting time. Plus, there is nothing I've written I considered salable. One person I sent somethign to said she didn't like my writing style. A couple of people gave feedback that they didn't understand the character motivations. Obviously, I will need to do lots of editing to make
it saleable, but I already have so many other things to finish. As
for other things I can do--I may have forgotten my linguistics classwork, still need a recent technical writing, and um, not sure how to tell people I am available to help look up subjects. I can make mix CDs and tapes, but really, is that any qualification for anything?

I tried to stick to a budget too many times, including when I was
living with Angus and Jolene. One of the reasons for the relationship deterioting was I couldn't keep a budget. Obviously being a failure about money = being a failure at a committed relationship. I should just stick to a long distance thing and an occasional local person for company. Never mind what a wonderful person people try to tell me. To be my significant other would mean to be as broke as me, and it just proves that I disappoint often.

I have no idea how to make myself stick to one, or why the little
things like eating on the run, batteries, paying for Internet access when the computer is down or being used and taxis add up. I think part of it is not going to bed when I should. When you're tired, you don't think of how much that cab will cost in the long run. Forgetting lunches contribute too.

I know there are others worst at this than me, I know it can be
solved. I want to shake this feeling that at 26, I should have fixed this problem by now. I should have gotten over the feeling that everything and everyone will inevitably disappoint me, and I will disappoint everyone who came close to me. Yeah, that's the sort of sentiment that got someone to say I invite people to beat me up. 'Pathetic' I think he called it. I think he wants me to challenge him, to show him that I do believe in myself and that external things like finances and creative output doesn't affect my
self-worth. That I accept that the biggest part of life is reaching out, and sometimes the effort is all that is needed. That I know that my grand purpose is just to be myself.

That I am above such silly things like needing confirmation of my
inner worth, some proof that I am not just a parasite wasting time and resources.

Bullshit. I still have those feelings. Obviously, I must be real
shallow if I still do. Or dense. Wait, can you be both shallow and dense? What object is both shallow and heavy? Anyway, I am spending the afternoon at work trying to talk myself down (or up). I am not the only one who faced it (how do others do it? could I do it too?). It will be okay soon (or seem okay, but really I know I will see the crack and smudge in every good thing, unless I am enthralled by some project that doesn't turn out the way I planned, distracting me from things I am afraid of doing).

Anyway, I made a new budget. Let's hope it helps.


On a less whiny note, my sister let me borrow that new Harry Potter book. I know what the big character death is. I know what the new Mary Sue type is, and I can think of one Mary Sue type that should be kiboshed by this book. I just want to read it to see how it all develops. I also wrote a song and bits and pieces for novels.