Once again, badness inspires me
May. 17th, 2004 09:02 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
taratemimaI saw this post at sueslaps about this self-inserts named Mina and Serenity. It is focused on this god-awful PWP with Johnny Depp, and almost no mention of that inconvenient fact that he has a girlfriend and two kids until the end.
I decided to write an alternate ending, with guest stars Vanessa Paradis and Tim Burton. All of this is not real. Serenity and Mina, wherever you are, don't take it personal. You can make me into a Death Eater named Ta'ara at your next Harry Potter fic, if you really want to.
An Alternative Ending to "Give Me Tonight, Mina"
(Cut after “All I need is you.” Orlando answered pulling her closer.)
Cold reality then intrudes. "There she is," Vanessa yells from across the lobby. Tim is following behind, dragging a two by four. Both are heading for an obviously dazed Johnny held by a blonde girl barely entering high school.
The girl dancing with Johnny stares at him with her blue eyes. Yeah, her eyes are not cerulean or any silly synonym. She is wearing a cream silk prom dress. A few years later, maybe she would be beautiful. Beside him, an equally dazed Orlando is dancing with another girl, brunette with brown eyes. She is wearing blue silk prom dress and maybe a few months older than the blonde. She was pretty, too, but need a few years to grow into her beauty.
Neither Johnny nor Orlando dresses like they were expecting to be at a dance; Johnny was dressed like a homeless man, Orlando looks like he was dragged out of bed. Other than a boom box blaring "My Immortal" by songfic faves Evanescence, two couples are the only ones in the lobby when Vanessa and Tim arrive.
Tim cocks his ears to the music the hypnotized men are dancing to. "Wow. Danny was right. This band sucks. What the fuck ever happened to slow-dancing to 'Colour My World' or something," he says.
The girls look over their shoulders and see the two angry adults. The brunette girl looks over at the blonde. "Mina, Mina, we got to get Johnny and Orli out of here. Some weird old guy and some lady I saw in some article about Johnny are coming."
Mina continues staring into the hypnotized eyes of Johnny. "Serenity, couldn't we stay for a while longer? I want to dance before I take him to my hotel room for the greatest night of our lives."
Serenity manages to see Tim with two by four gripped in his hands.
"Hey," she starts to yell "homeless guy, I emphasize with you and stuff, but if you touch my stereo, I'll call--"
Oblivious, Tim hits the boom box hard with the two by four. The sounds of Amy Lee's angst, Ben Moody's issues and her piano turn into crunching metal, the thwacking of wood against cheap plastic, and Tim's boots going down on the shards.
Both Johnny and Orlando blink at the silence. Johnny pulls away from Mina, scratching his head. "The fuck," Johnny mutters, "I was just going back to my hotel room for a nap when I hear this music. After that, I can't remember."
Orlando lurches away from Serenity, his mouth agape and face freezing with horror. "I was dancing with her?"
"Not only that, you’re married to me," she says with shining and oblivious eyes. “Or at least I implanted the idea you are."
Orlando manages to close his mouth enough to squeak, "Married to a fangirl?"
Serenity puts her hands on her hips and pouts. "I am not just a fangirl, Orli. I am in Honors English and I backpacked through the Cascades with my parents."
"You are a fangirl if you are willing to use subliminal whatever to get me, and don't call me Orli!"
Serenity's lips start to quiver. "But I thought when you get to know me, you'd see that I'm the girl for you and that we would get married and . . ."
Vanessa sighs. "Do you have any idea what marriage is about? It involves more than being attracted to each other. It requires compromise--"
Tim shakes his head. "Besides, what the hell are you doing thinking of marriage? You’re up past your bedtime."
"Burton, leave them alone," Johnny warns with a sigh.
Orlando looks at Vanessa "Never mind that! I danced with a fangirl. The bodyguards, the secret location, they do nothing!"
Serenity shrugged. "Oh, that big guy at the door is your bodyguard? I just gave him some of my Thai food and he let me in."
"He let you in?" Just then, he lets out an unearthly scream and backs into a corner of the lobby. From there, he sobs as he huddles, mumbling, "I should have never met Peter Jackson. I should have never played that stupid elf."
Serenity stares at the now-hysterical Orlando. "Geez, you do extreme sports but you're scared of girls. It wasn't as if you were supposed to take my virginity."
"Huh? What did you say," Tim says.
Mina sighs. "I just wanted Johnny to make my first-"
Johnny rubs his face and stares at Mina. "Wait. I was supposed to take your virginity? Have you thought of birth control, disease, anything?"
"But Johnny, you seemed so sweet and nice, that you couldn't have a sexually transmitted disease. Besides, a friend of mine told me that you couldn't get pregnant the first time you have sex."
Serenity looks at Mina. "You actually believe anything Jenna says?
She's in remedial, hello?"
Mina hunches her shoulders back. "I dunno, you expect me to go get condoms myself? People will think I'm a slut."
Johnny looks at Mina again in horror and manages to compose himself. "You know, I wish I could take you to the half-intelligent chimpanzee calling himself the president and have you say all that to him. Maybe he'll see that abstinence-only sex ed is a bad idea."
Mina looks at him like a kicked puppy. "I don't understand, Johnny. I wanted my first time to be special, just like I read in the romance books I keep stealing from my mom's room. I did not want it with some dumb boy who would kiss me like my Saint Bernard and brag about it the next day. I mean, I am not saying all the girls are doing it, most of my friends are virgins, but I want to do it before everyone else."
Tim shakes his head. "Listen, I know how you feel. Really I do, boys your age can be morons. I was one, and you know, I didn't know whether to just draw and pretend girls didn't exist or totally change myself so I could be one of the people who could get, you know, dates I acted, like, you know, and I was such a spaz around girls..." Somehow, he flails as he tries to assure Mina.
Mina squints at Tim. "And what?"
Johnny looks at Tim rolling his eyes. "For someone who lost his virginity in a Volkswagen at 16, you sure do sound like a PSA."
Tim folds his arms. "Let's just say that's the voice of experience talking, Johnny."
"All I wanted was the perfect night with my best friend and our favorite actors. Look at what I got. Orli is huddled in the corner going crazy, I get a lecture or a ramble, whatever, and some weird old guy with big hair ruined my stereo. And oh yeah, some French chick starts talking to me."
Vanessa shakes her head. "I happen to be the mother of his children. My name is Vanessa, by the way."
Tim stares at Serenity. "And I am more than just some weird old guy. Ed Wood? I did that. Sleepy Hollow? Me. Batman? Well, I did the first two, but the ones that suck, I didn't do. Big Fish? Don't feel bad if you didn't see it, but I did that too. Nightmare Before Christmas? That was partially Danny, Henry and Caroline, but I did it too. Edward Scissorhands? That was all fucking me. And Caroline. I still have to call her about that Corpse Bride thing. Oh anyway, me. I don't get how you could totally ignore--"
Serenity cocks her head at Tim. "So you made Edward? Uh, how did he get all the ice?"
"Prop department," Tim says point-blank, "can we get back to the fact you tried to hypnotize Johnny to have sex with you?"
"No," Serenity says exasperated, "make love to Mina. I didn't know this would happen, anyway. That guy from the Speed Seduction site said it would work. I had to use my brother's name because it was for boys, but it seemed to work for Johnny and Orli."
"Stop calling me that," Orlando screams in anguish in his corner.
Vanessa shakes her head. "You thought enough to put subliminal messages to make the men obey your command, you got these gowns, but you never thought of what would happen if you got what you wanted."
Serenity moves next to Mina. Mina stares at Vanessa, asking the first question. "Is this another lecture on birth control?"
"In a way. First off, he lives with me, owns a house with me, and he had two children with me."
Mina nods. "Uh, yeah, I think I remember seeing that mentioned, but I was too busy drooling over this pic of his playing the piano, er, maybe I shouldn't tell you that."
"Have you considered how he would feel when he came to and found out he had sex with a girl not much older than his children--"
"That never stopped him from fucking Winona," Tim retorts.
"Noni was legal, and it was a mistake."
"So was that tattoo. Note to all involved: never get a tattoo with someone's name unless they swear in blood they will be with forever."
"You don't have a tattoo, asshole, and if you did, it would read 'I love Danny.'"
"Blow me."
"What, Helena doesn't do that either?"
Vanessa gives the men a quick sharp look. "I am trying to say something to Mina and Serenity. Keep your past quiet for now."
“You were prepared to risk not only his relationship, but your health and your future. Did you realize that?”
Mina does not really look at Vanessa. “Well, no. I didn’t even know that he had a girlfriend and stuff. I guess I figured my first time would be with someone famous. I mean, I want what you guys have, but I’ll never have it. I’m not pretty or popular, and boys are so stupid.”
Serenity shrugs. “I just wanted to make Mina happy.”
"You will find someone who you’ll happy with, but you have to realize that sex is more than just what is in romance novels. It requires responsibility too. If you cannot get condoms, then you shouldn't have sex. If you cannot get birth control, you should wait. You have time, there will be someone for you."
“Did you wait,” Serenity asks.
“I had good boyfriends and bad boyfriends, but I . . .”
Hotel security comes up to the six and tells them to leave. Too much noise for arriving guests, they say. Johnny manages to grab Orlando and walk him out of the hotel. The rest of the group follows.
Out in the cool May air, Mina finally says what is on her mind. “I’m sorry, guys, for everything. I’m sorry most of all that I got you in trouble.”
“Well,” Serenity says, “I wanted to make you happy. I wanted to fulfill a fantasy of ours. I guess I didn’t think of how it affected other people.”
With apologies accepted all around, the six go to their respective homes.
I decided to write an alternate ending, with guest stars Vanessa Paradis and Tim Burton. All of this is not real. Serenity and Mina, wherever you are, don't take it personal. You can make me into a Death Eater named Ta'ara at your next Harry Potter fic, if you really want to.
An Alternative Ending to "Give Me Tonight, Mina"
(Cut after “All I need is you.” Orlando answered pulling her closer.)
Cold reality then intrudes. "There she is," Vanessa yells from across the lobby. Tim is following behind, dragging a two by four. Both are heading for an obviously dazed Johnny held by a blonde girl barely entering high school.
The girl dancing with Johnny stares at him with her blue eyes. Yeah, her eyes are not cerulean or any silly synonym. She is wearing a cream silk prom dress. A few years later, maybe she would be beautiful. Beside him, an equally dazed Orlando is dancing with another girl, brunette with brown eyes. She is wearing blue silk prom dress and maybe a few months older than the blonde. She was pretty, too, but need a few years to grow into her beauty.
Neither Johnny nor Orlando dresses like they were expecting to be at a dance; Johnny was dressed like a homeless man, Orlando looks like he was dragged out of bed. Other than a boom box blaring "My Immortal" by songfic faves Evanescence, two couples are the only ones in the lobby when Vanessa and Tim arrive.
Tim cocks his ears to the music the hypnotized men are dancing to. "Wow. Danny was right. This band sucks. What the fuck ever happened to slow-dancing to 'Colour My World' or something," he says.
The girls look over their shoulders and see the two angry adults. The brunette girl looks over at the blonde. "Mina, Mina, we got to get Johnny and Orli out of here. Some weird old guy and some lady I saw in some article about Johnny are coming."
Mina continues staring into the hypnotized eyes of Johnny. "Serenity, couldn't we stay for a while longer? I want to dance before I take him to my hotel room for the greatest night of our lives."
Serenity manages to see Tim with two by four gripped in his hands.
"Hey," she starts to yell "homeless guy, I emphasize with you and stuff, but if you touch my stereo, I'll call--"
Oblivious, Tim hits the boom box hard with the two by four. The sounds of Amy Lee's angst, Ben Moody's issues and her piano turn into crunching metal, the thwacking of wood against cheap plastic, and Tim's boots going down on the shards.
Both Johnny and Orlando blink at the silence. Johnny pulls away from Mina, scratching his head. "The fuck," Johnny mutters, "I was just going back to my hotel room for a nap when I hear this music. After that, I can't remember."
Orlando lurches away from Serenity, his mouth agape and face freezing with horror. "I was dancing with her?"
"Not only that, you’re married to me," she says with shining and oblivious eyes. “Or at least I implanted the idea you are."
Orlando manages to close his mouth enough to squeak, "Married to a fangirl?"
Serenity puts her hands on her hips and pouts. "I am not just a fangirl, Orli. I am in Honors English and I backpacked through the Cascades with my parents."
"You are a fangirl if you are willing to use subliminal whatever to get me, and don't call me Orli!"
Serenity's lips start to quiver. "But I thought when you get to know me, you'd see that I'm the girl for you and that we would get married and . . ."
Vanessa sighs. "Do you have any idea what marriage is about? It involves more than being attracted to each other. It requires compromise--"
Tim shakes his head. "Besides, what the hell are you doing thinking of marriage? You’re up past your bedtime."
"Burton, leave them alone," Johnny warns with a sigh.
Orlando looks at Vanessa "Never mind that! I danced with a fangirl. The bodyguards, the secret location, they do nothing!"
Serenity shrugged. "Oh, that big guy at the door is your bodyguard? I just gave him some of my Thai food and he let me in."
"He let you in?" Just then, he lets out an unearthly scream and backs into a corner of the lobby. From there, he sobs as he huddles, mumbling, "I should have never met Peter Jackson. I should have never played that stupid elf."
Serenity stares at the now-hysterical Orlando. "Geez, you do extreme sports but you're scared of girls. It wasn't as if you were supposed to take my virginity."
"Huh? What did you say," Tim says.
Mina sighs. "I just wanted Johnny to make my first-"
Johnny rubs his face and stares at Mina. "Wait. I was supposed to take your virginity? Have you thought of birth control, disease, anything?"
"But Johnny, you seemed so sweet and nice, that you couldn't have a sexually transmitted disease. Besides, a friend of mine told me that you couldn't get pregnant the first time you have sex."
Serenity looks at Mina. "You actually believe anything Jenna says?
She's in remedial, hello?"
Mina hunches her shoulders back. "I dunno, you expect me to go get condoms myself? People will think I'm a slut."
Johnny looks at Mina again in horror and manages to compose himself. "You know, I wish I could take you to the half-intelligent chimpanzee calling himself the president and have you say all that to him. Maybe he'll see that abstinence-only sex ed is a bad idea."
Mina looks at him like a kicked puppy. "I don't understand, Johnny. I wanted my first time to be special, just like I read in the romance books I keep stealing from my mom's room. I did not want it with some dumb boy who would kiss me like my Saint Bernard and brag about it the next day. I mean, I am not saying all the girls are doing it, most of my friends are virgins, but I want to do it before everyone else."
Tim shakes his head. "Listen, I know how you feel. Really I do, boys your age can be morons. I was one, and you know, I didn't know whether to just draw and pretend girls didn't exist or totally change myself so I could be one of the people who could get, you know, dates I acted, like, you know, and I was such a spaz around girls..." Somehow, he flails as he tries to assure Mina.
Mina squints at Tim. "And what?"
Johnny looks at Tim rolling his eyes. "For someone who lost his virginity in a Volkswagen at 16, you sure do sound like a PSA."
Tim folds his arms. "Let's just say that's the voice of experience talking, Johnny."
"All I wanted was the perfect night with my best friend and our favorite actors. Look at what I got. Orli is huddled in the corner going crazy, I get a lecture or a ramble, whatever, and some weird old guy with big hair ruined my stereo. And oh yeah, some French chick starts talking to me."
Vanessa shakes her head. "I happen to be the mother of his children. My name is Vanessa, by the way."
Tim stares at Serenity. "And I am more than just some weird old guy. Ed Wood? I did that. Sleepy Hollow? Me. Batman? Well, I did the first two, but the ones that suck, I didn't do. Big Fish? Don't feel bad if you didn't see it, but I did that too. Nightmare Before Christmas? That was partially Danny, Henry and Caroline, but I did it too. Edward Scissorhands? That was all fucking me. And Caroline. I still have to call her about that Corpse Bride thing. Oh anyway, me. I don't get how you could totally ignore--"
Serenity cocks her head at Tim. "So you made Edward? Uh, how did he get all the ice?"
"Prop department," Tim says point-blank, "can we get back to the fact you tried to hypnotize Johnny to have sex with you?"
"No," Serenity says exasperated, "make love to Mina. I didn't know this would happen, anyway. That guy from the Speed Seduction site said it would work. I had to use my brother's name because it was for boys, but it seemed to work for Johnny and Orli."
"Stop calling me that," Orlando screams in anguish in his corner.
Vanessa shakes her head. "You thought enough to put subliminal messages to make the men obey your command, you got these gowns, but you never thought of what would happen if you got what you wanted."
Serenity moves next to Mina. Mina stares at Vanessa, asking the first question. "Is this another lecture on birth control?"
"In a way. First off, he lives with me, owns a house with me, and he had two children with me."
Mina nods. "Uh, yeah, I think I remember seeing that mentioned, but I was too busy drooling over this pic of his playing the piano, er, maybe I shouldn't tell you that."
"Have you considered how he would feel when he came to and found out he had sex with a girl not much older than his children--"
"That never stopped him from fucking Winona," Tim retorts.
"Noni was legal, and it was a mistake."
"So was that tattoo. Note to all involved: never get a tattoo with someone's name unless they swear in blood they will be with forever."
"You don't have a tattoo, asshole, and if you did, it would read 'I love Danny.'"
"Blow me."
"What, Helena doesn't do that either?"
Vanessa gives the men a quick sharp look. "I am trying to say something to Mina and Serenity. Keep your past quiet for now."
“You were prepared to risk not only his relationship, but your health and your future. Did you realize that?”
Mina does not really look at Vanessa. “Well, no. I didn’t even know that he had a girlfriend and stuff. I guess I figured my first time would be with someone famous. I mean, I want what you guys have, but I’ll never have it. I’m not pretty or popular, and boys are so stupid.”
Serenity shrugs. “I just wanted to make Mina happy.”
"You will find someone who you’ll happy with, but you have to realize that sex is more than just what is in romance novels. It requires responsibility too. If you cannot get condoms, then you shouldn't have sex. If you cannot get birth control, you should wait. You have time, there will be someone for you."
“Did you wait,” Serenity asks.
“I had good boyfriends and bad boyfriends, but I . . .”
Hotel security comes up to the six and tells them to leave. Too much noise for arriving guests, they say. Johnny manages to grab Orlando and walk him out of the hotel. The rest of the group follows.
Out in the cool May air, Mina finally says what is on her mind. “I’m sorry, guys, for everything. I’m sorry most of all that I got you in trouble.”
“Well,” Serenity says, “I wanted to make you happy. I wanted to fulfill a fantasy of ours. I guess I didn’t think of how it affected other people.”
With apologies accepted all around, the six go to their respective homes.
