Let's see who defriends me, wheee!
Jan. 4th, 2005 07:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
taratemimaIt all started with me thinking "OK, why don't I find this funny?"
Answer: Missed too many damn tempting targets on the American left (for the sake of argument, let's just focus on the band from 'no, no, I'm progressive, no really' to 'you know, China is kinda misunderstood, except for that whole arresting Falun Gong people').
So, my attempt. Made out of self-mocking, not self-loathing. Might not be funny.
50+ Reasons Why American Left-Leaning Types Did Not Rise in Armed Insurrection After Bush Was Declared Winner
1) Too busy keeping watch on vote counting deadlines in Ohio.
2) Buying guns make us look too much like the Michigan Militia.
3) That one communist newspaper hawker unaware that no one is starting a proletariat revolt in Harvard Square.
4) Kept late at the social services agency brainstorming strategies to deal with yet another proposed budget cut.
5) Argue whether or not they should say 'fuck it' to Kerry and just install Jello Biafra as president.
6) Writing angsty Kerry/Edwards fic.
7) Discussing expatriation. Find that unemployment puts a kibosh on that idea.
8) Contemplating expatriation the way our ancestors did: stowing away on dangerously rickety ships.
9) Arguing with the fucking libertarians about whether Kerry would take their guns away.
10) Contemplating time travel: keep Leo Strauss from the University of Chicago or impeach Richard Nixon?
11) Too busy downloading all the porn they can before Ashcroft takes that away.
12) Telling friends that they have too much respect for the democratic process, the innate sense of the people and the rule of law to think of disposing Bush. Plus, those Secret Service agents are hella tough.
13) You know, some of them would love to revolt, but after working overtime so they have enough to pay off way overdue medical bills that insurance says that they won't pay, they are feeling like hell.
14) Questioning how many tight assed nitpicking ideologues on our side do we need to defeat the tight assed nitpicking ideologues on their side.
15) Being confused why the fuck worrying about the effects of war that the United States didn't need to get into and kept changing its reasons for, short sighted tax policies designed to kill any social programs not related to fundamentalist religious organizations, outsourcing jobs needed for a solid middle class, and creeping threats to civil liberties didn't count as 'moral values.'
16) Wondering if George Soros needed to be a head of some cult so his funds can be worth a damn.
17) Writing virii to send to whitehouse.gov.
18) In Iraq, hoping their absentee ballot doesn't get lost, oopsy.
19) IPod dilemma: "Terminal Preppie" or "War Pigs"?
20) Has a winning idea: Noam Chomsky in Jack Chick-style pamphlets!
21) Joking about setting up an Underground Railroad for Kerry supporters in 'red states.'
22) Consolation and cocktails turning into Everclear and 'every evil and stupid conservative we know' stories.
23) Asking resident Republican/conservative acquaintances why they are bothering to tell them that they are not all anti-abortion and anti-gay screaming idiots. How about telling that to the anti-abortion etc. busy
getting out the vote, or are they willing to sacrifice principle for power?
24) Assuring self that at least the Red Sox won the World Series, so not all hope is lost.
25) Getting cracking on that painting of Bush walking on a sea of blood with blonde suburban moms reaching out.
26) Donating to DCCC and other organizations who look poised to do something.
27) Wishing conservative relatives would shut up about Bush's 'decisive victory' when they bitched that Clinton 'only' got 60% of the vote.
28) Joking about telling Homeland Security that your Bush-voting gun nut in your role-playing game was overheard speaking Arabic and reading Ibn Wahab's work. Realizing that you sound like a snitch. Hating self.
29) Telling everyone since some Republicans have done well pretending it was still the 1950s, they're going to pretend it's 1996, the dollar isn't falling against the euro, stock growth was more consistent and they
still have a software engineering job.
30) Wonder if there was something to that crazy pagan's assertion that mind-bending black mages were employed by the GOP or did everyone's reptilian brain had a spaz attack.
31) Explaining to someone's grandma why America led by a pack of religious crazies and ideologues with a 'will to power' fetish armed with nukes is not good for Israel, let alone the rest of the planet. Feeling depressed
that you feel for everyone involved and the extremists are really pushing everyone against the wall (and speaking of the Wall . . .). Finding you can't talk about the subject of I/P without someone getting rabid. Lying awake at night at the thought of this turning nuclear.
32) Taking bets on how long until that Karimov guy will be known as someone who 'boiled his own people' and we invade Uzbekistan.
33) Debating whether Syria or Iran are 'sure things' to bet on invasion. Feeling a little sick that you are betting over the death of millions.
34) Scaring children by rocking back and forth and mumbling 'record deficit.'
35) Starting off small, really. First a citizen's arrest of Kissinger, then bringing in Bush for war crimes.
36) Learning how to grow pennyroyal.
37) Alternately talking of secession and wondering whether to help along that Neo-Confederate movement so we don't have to deal with those fucktards.
38) Concentrating on how to best bitch each other out rather than thinking how to fight the bastards in power.
39) Feeling dirty over the thought they agreed with Pat Buchanan on something.
40) Wondering if they were invaded, would they help or fight? Finding it applies too well to Iraq. Feeling sad.
41) Blinking back sunlight after poll monitoring.
42) Crafting a worm for Diebold.
43) Fluffy pagans trying to learn how to cast Magic Missile.
44) Telling everyone of the connection between the CIA, Mormons and trying to get Columbia to stop making coffee by having the cocaine trade kill everyone.
45) Hoping that record registering of new voters holds out. Being sad that it is still a minority of the country.
46) Wondering if grieving about the election counts as bereavement leave.
47) Telling everyone that there was no difference between the candidates, what is needed is a revolution and that was why you were watching Blind Date instead of voting.
48) Vowing to smack the next person who tells everyone that there was no difference etc.
48) Pushing the wall of separation of church and state by telling the high school if they can have a Bible Club after school, you can have a Satanic Bible study group too.
49) Deciding to actually join the ACLU rather than joke about it.
50) Some people still remember COINTERPLO. And what happened to MOVE and the Black Panthers, and you suspect being white won't help you there either. Maybe if you tell folks you were inspired by the Bible, you'll be a hero to millions of gun nuts or something.
51)Plotting to seduce Federalist Society interns. Especially same-sex interns.
52) Commiserating with the conservatives who are really, really scared
of Bush too.
53) Busy trying to heal divisions within yourself and people you
consider on your side.
54) Moving to lesbian separatist commune. Realizing midway that men (born and transgender) and transgender women aren't accepted or that you hate tofu.
55) Having a hard time convincing your lesbian separatist commune to become a militia.
56) Deciding while nuclear war may not happen in your lifetime, it's a good deadline to finish that fucking novel.
57) In a twisted tribute to South Park, carrying signs saying 'Down with Turd Sandwich!'
58) Writing pissy posts addressed to friends of friends who voted for Bush, feeling bad since not all of them are evil, and editing it. Making snarky post about why she and others aren't picking up weapons and doing the SDS thing. Wondering if they are inadvertantly aiding the cause of people who hate everything they stand for while engaging in public self-criticism. Not that I know anyone like that.
Answer: Missed too many damn tempting targets on the American left (for the sake of argument, let's just focus on the band from 'no, no, I'm progressive, no really' to 'you know, China is kinda misunderstood, except for that whole arresting Falun Gong people').
So, my attempt. Made out of self-mocking, not self-loathing. Might not be funny.
50+ Reasons Why American Left-Leaning Types Did Not Rise in Armed Insurrection After Bush Was Declared Winner
1) Too busy keeping watch on vote counting deadlines in Ohio.
2) Buying guns make us look too much like the Michigan Militia.
3) That one communist newspaper hawker unaware that no one is starting a proletariat revolt in Harvard Square.
4) Kept late at the social services agency brainstorming strategies to deal with yet another proposed budget cut.
5) Argue whether or not they should say 'fuck it' to Kerry and just install Jello Biafra as president.
6) Writing angsty Kerry/Edwards fic.
7) Discussing expatriation. Find that unemployment puts a kibosh on that idea.
8) Contemplating expatriation the way our ancestors did: stowing away on dangerously rickety ships.
9) Arguing with the fucking libertarians about whether Kerry would take their guns away.
10) Contemplating time travel: keep Leo Strauss from the University of Chicago or impeach Richard Nixon?
11) Too busy downloading all the porn they can before Ashcroft takes that away.
12) Telling friends that they have too much respect for the democratic process, the innate sense of the people and the rule of law to think of disposing Bush. Plus, those Secret Service agents are hella tough.
13) You know, some of them would love to revolt, but after working overtime so they have enough to pay off way overdue medical bills that insurance says that they won't pay, they are feeling like hell.
14) Questioning how many tight assed nitpicking ideologues on our side do we need to defeat the tight assed nitpicking ideologues on their side.
15) Being confused why the fuck worrying about the effects of war that the United States didn't need to get into and kept changing its reasons for, short sighted tax policies designed to kill any social programs not related to fundamentalist religious organizations, outsourcing jobs needed for a solid middle class, and creeping threats to civil liberties didn't count as 'moral values.'
16) Wondering if George Soros needed to be a head of some cult so his funds can be worth a damn.
17) Writing virii to send to whitehouse.gov.
18) In Iraq, hoping their absentee ballot doesn't get lost, oopsy.
19) IPod dilemma: "Terminal Preppie" or "War Pigs"?
20) Has a winning idea: Noam Chomsky in Jack Chick-style pamphlets!
21) Joking about setting up an Underground Railroad for Kerry supporters in 'red states.'
22) Consolation and cocktails turning into Everclear and 'every evil and stupid conservative we know' stories.
23) Asking resident Republican/conservative acquaintances why they are bothering to tell them that they are not all anti-abortion and anti-gay screaming idiots. How about telling that to the anti-abortion etc. busy
getting out the vote, or are they willing to sacrifice principle for power?
24) Assuring self that at least the Red Sox won the World Series, so not all hope is lost.
25) Getting cracking on that painting of Bush walking on a sea of blood with blonde suburban moms reaching out.
26) Donating to DCCC and other organizations who look poised to do something.
27) Wishing conservative relatives would shut up about Bush's 'decisive victory' when they bitched that Clinton 'only' got 60% of the vote.
28) Joking about telling Homeland Security that your Bush-voting gun nut in your role-playing game was overheard speaking Arabic and reading Ibn Wahab's work. Realizing that you sound like a snitch. Hating self.
29) Telling everyone since some Republicans have done well pretending it was still the 1950s, they're going to pretend it's 1996, the dollar isn't falling against the euro, stock growth was more consistent and they
still have a software engineering job.
30) Wonder if there was something to that crazy pagan's assertion that mind-bending black mages were employed by the GOP or did everyone's reptilian brain had a spaz attack.
31) Explaining to someone's grandma why America led by a pack of religious crazies and ideologues with a 'will to power' fetish armed with nukes is not good for Israel, let alone the rest of the planet. Feeling depressed
that you feel for everyone involved and the extremists are really pushing everyone against the wall (and speaking of the Wall . . .). Finding you can't talk about the subject of I/P without someone getting rabid. Lying awake at night at the thought of this turning nuclear.
32) Taking bets on how long until that Karimov guy will be known as someone who 'boiled his own people' and we invade Uzbekistan.
33) Debating whether Syria or Iran are 'sure things' to bet on invasion. Feeling a little sick that you are betting over the death of millions.
34) Scaring children by rocking back and forth and mumbling 'record deficit.'
35) Starting off small, really. First a citizen's arrest of Kissinger, then bringing in Bush for war crimes.
36) Learning how to grow pennyroyal.
37) Alternately talking of secession and wondering whether to help along that Neo-Confederate movement so we don't have to deal with those fucktards.
38) Concentrating on how to best bitch each other out rather than thinking how to fight the bastards in power.
39) Feeling dirty over the thought they agreed with Pat Buchanan on something.
40) Wondering if they were invaded, would they help or fight? Finding it applies too well to Iraq. Feeling sad.
41) Blinking back sunlight after poll monitoring.
42) Crafting a worm for Diebold.
43) Fluffy pagans trying to learn how to cast Magic Missile.
44) Telling everyone of the connection between the CIA, Mormons and trying to get Columbia to stop making coffee by having the cocaine trade kill everyone.
45) Hoping that record registering of new voters holds out. Being sad that it is still a minority of the country.
46) Wondering if grieving about the election counts as bereavement leave.
47) Telling everyone that there was no difference between the candidates, what is needed is a revolution and that was why you were watching Blind Date instead of voting.
48) Vowing to smack the next person who tells everyone that there was no difference etc.
48) Pushing the wall of separation of church and state by telling the high school if they can have a Bible Club after school, you can have a Satanic Bible study group too.
49) Deciding to actually join the ACLU rather than joke about it.
50) Some people still remember COINTERPLO. And what happened to MOVE and the Black Panthers, and you suspect being white won't help you there either. Maybe if you tell folks you were inspired by the Bible, you'll be a hero to millions of gun nuts or something.
51)Plotting to seduce Federalist Society interns. Especially same-sex interns.
52) Commiserating with the conservatives who are really, really scared
of Bush too.
53) Busy trying to heal divisions within yourself and people you
consider on your side.
54) Moving to lesbian separatist commune. Realizing midway that men (born and transgender) and transgender women aren't accepted or that you hate tofu.
55) Having a hard time convincing your lesbian separatist commune to become a militia.
56) Deciding while nuclear war may not happen in your lifetime, it's a good deadline to finish that fucking novel.
57) In a twisted tribute to South Park, carrying signs saying 'Down with Turd Sandwich!'
58) Writing pissy posts addressed to friends of friends who voted for Bush, feeling bad since not all of them are evil, and editing it. Making snarky post about why she and others aren't picking up weapons and doing the SDS thing. Wondering if they are inadvertantly aiding the cause of people who hate everything they stand for while engaging in public self-criticism. Not that I know anyone like that.
