first entry, and why I didn't before

[taratemima]

I'm tired, I need to get to work soon, finished studying for my Algorithms and Data Structures class, that is, computer science, and I'm thinking mightly that I could use the Walkman and Soul Mining on repeat. I love the The. I love a lot of music. I love to write to music. Once I tried composing a short story to Skinny Puppy's Last Rights. I only made it up to "Mirror Saw," and at that point, it didn't make sense.

I knew about this site because I knew some people from a list I was on a long time ago, who I lost touch with it. It was part-way deliberate. I was feeling odd and outcast, and had no courage to ask if I really was, out of fear that 1) I would get exactly that reaction, 2) I'd get pity. Pity fucking sucks. Give me answers. Also, being broke, you go to fewer events, you work more or horse around as cheaply as possible (ie, websurfing). You seem to drop out of sight.

And the odd stupid remark, someone's cold shoulder, or unanswered request for directions. Bitter? Yes. I'm trusting, I'm deliberately blind to signs , and I paid. I want out of Massachusetts. Or rather, I want to find a place where people don't live in their heads and put a nice front, but don't stick around. And a place where I won't be bugged to babysit my seven year old sister.

My mother, my sister, and I got into a fight over my bedroom, whose mess it is, who should clean it. My sister said straight out that she isn't going to since she is leaving in January. Excuse me, but I am staying until May or June, and I have to navigate your mess. Or maybe I should just throw it out, I don't know what stuff you want anyway.

I had another diary, but I rather not use it anymore.