Because I rather not send e-mail

[taratemima]

You told me
that I stated my feelings
more strongly than I felt.


So,
you will never believe a word
I tell you,
that 'lying whore' reverberates
in my head.
That I cried when I thought
I left you hungry,
you took some food by mistake,
and now we were in trouble.
I thought you didn't want to
admit to me you were hungry--
you never talked about
what you needed,
you hinted, and I wondered
if I should have listened more.

I also thought
I took on too big a task
taking care of you,
and your dirty clothing
and your still-broken glasses.
During the holidays
with its expected family functions
and things to do,
I felt lied to and pushed.
I wished you came right out
and asked me for things.
I wished I could say 'no'
without worrying
I was killing you.

I had a million apologies,
but you didn't believe me
when I apologized for
falsely accusing over
a garbled phone message.

You'd probably tell me
that someone else
posted and deleted those replies,
it was a small thing,
I was being too sensitive,
I was being too dramatic,
and that I deserved it
for saying you had a part in
your own misery.

You think I haven't heard that shit before?

Now you send my invitations,
months after you told me
you hoped I rotted in the ground
with my unborn child in my womb.

I thought you would only
believe that I feel
the way I said I did
when I'm dead.
No man would marry me, anyway.

This is why I was silent,
because insults are a deal-breaker,
because I never thought you would,
and that you would cut me slack
after years of being told
how much confrontations make me nervous.

I cry at work.
I hate where I am, but am afraid to go on job interviews.
No one listens to me when I make suggestions,
the same problems keep cropping up.

Between these things, I realized I had a faith,
and lost it.
I lost my faith in overcoming my difficulties
if I just learn and practice hard enough.
I lost my faith that people will listen to requests and do what I ask.
I lost my faith that people will give me better work if I do my present work well.
I lost my faith that I could transcend my past.
I lost my faith that anyone would like talking to me.
I lost my faith that I will ever be understood.

I thought you understood me,
I thought I meant something to you,
now I lost my faith in knowing other people.

It's all dead,
I'm rotting.
You got your wish.
Happy?