taratemima | can you see me lord? can you see me psyche out?

Maybe I shouldn't have sent the goodbye to Arik by e-mail, but at midnight, waking him up to say good bye was not an option. I tell myself this is right thing, that there is no happy medium between love and friendship if we have to sneak around and lie straight-faced to others, but it hurts reading his reply. I cannot say anything, being that I said I was cutting off contact. I can't tell him that I spent the last two days missing him terribly as bad or worse as he does for me, that I cry at intermediate times, that I am afraid of always being alone.

Theresa's probably happy I'm gone--she never really liked us fooling around, came close to leaving him the first time we did anything more than kiss. I always thought that the other person in the relationship had absolute veto power, and yet we kept on doing stuff anyway. Have I done the right thing?

I ought to think of more immediate things. Like working. Like finishing homework for Symbolic Logic, studying things for Stats in Behaviorial Science. Like going on different studies to earn extra money. Like selling CDs. Like registering for classes at the Linguistics Institute. Like looking for a job. Like getting a phone card to call the folks in MA/DC/NYC I have lost touch with.