(no subject)

You know, I am not sure I really should work at my job, I mean, I am missing so many days, despite management being tolerant, and I don't like what I do (no duh, sez the peanut gallery). However, I am not sure other than monster.com and boston.com I can find a job quickly that pushes me to be at a certain time and is flexible. And I am still on that after-graduation job quest. Ugh.

Saw Arik yesterday, got lost wandering around the Medford/Somerville border. A lot of the things we talked about are still rattling in my head, and I am not sure which to start off with. I'm always in this state of indecision, because it just so easy to not see each other because we're so busy, serendipitiously meet up or call, yak about things, neck, and stop whenever someone comes in. I don't know why Arik and Theresa are still together--habit? the conversations? hope that things will be again like they once were? the mad crunch for housing? love? fear?

Arik is sure this will happen if he and Theresa break up--we would date, have great sex, fight a lot about him working a lot and whether his time at the studio is to avoid confronting fears of failure or a sign that he is tired of me, fight a lot about my money problems and my whining about things I just need to put more elbow grease on, me conflicted over whether to be monogamous to him or fool around with other people, guilt about stealing someone away, gossip around the music scene (it sounds so weird but he has been in a zillion bands in some capacity and I know people can get catty, especially if he leaves her for some much younger schmuck. It woul d make me look like . . .a groupie). I'd feel frustrated about not writing a lot, feel too shy to show him whatever songs I've written, afraid that he will feel honor-bound to like them (I am afraid of that now, even if we are just friends).

He gives it four months; I give two.

And I missed work too because I was so tired walking and my mom needed babysitting, that I just could only eat lunch and go home.

I need another job, fast.