am i suspended in gaffa

Worked a little. Had pain in back. Cancelled voice lesson. Planned to just check mail. Now talking to someone. Wondering if I am moving too fast. Wondering if I will see him. Wondering if I will disappoint. Wondering why no one is answering my applications, when I will recieve my federal refund.

Angus and I talked yesterday. Talked about how little I like myself, assume all I have to give is sexual, that whatever creativity, smarts, and kindness they could get more of with someone else. That not much of me was very interesting.

And I thought of Rini. Until I answered her personal ad, I really couldn't think of a reason why she wanted to even know me, and figure that at least, I would be good as filler. Then she finds Gerald and I am not even that. Imagine--a lesbian snubbing a bisexual for a guy. Over time, I figured that it had little to do with me, she is just not interested in me, and I won't die.

And I thought of the idea of theodicy. I am not sure if God is inheriantly good and we are to figure how to best bring about kindness and decency in accordance to the will of God, or if God is sometimes cruel and capricious and we are to figure how to best bring about kindness and decency to keep God in check. I also am not sure about the more violent and gruesome episodes of the Tanakh--emulate despite squeemishness, chalk it up to imperfect humans attributing to God their own nastiness, or assume this is how God is and we must fight against that.

Geez, I think I am lunging toward heresy at this junction, or at least, some hybrid of Reconstructionist Judaism and Gnosticism. Bad thing? Good thing? On something?