'Crack pipe ember' or 'fresh blood'--what will I color the walls

I have the hardest time imagining what me being successful at a job. I think that is keeping me from doing many things. If all I see from my efforts is failure, then what point is there for me to try?

Meanwhile, I am coloring in a picture of Dorian Gray with odd color names (I got 'child molester's eyes cerulean', but is 'medium headstone' more gray-brown or gray-purple? And what color is 'miasma' exactly?). Just getting in the colors feels like a moral victory.

I watched some PSAs on meth addiction. I was disturbed, and I didn't get it. I watched horror movies when I was a kid, what the hell am I doing twitching from scabs and grainy shots. I had this horrid image of a drug that made you prettier as you become more psychotic.