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Jun. 8th, 2003 07:27 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
taratemimaStill sick, though yesterday I spent the day with a friend, first eating lunch and walking from Harvard to Central, stopping at record and book stores on the way. I already bought books, so I stopped myself from buying CDs, although dammit, I saw some stuff I wanted.
Went to the Boston Rock Opera after. Since it was crowded, I couldn't see, and the smoke aggravated my cold (although I do agree with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
teddywolf, smoking licences would be a better alternative than outright bans).
I was also disappointed that I didn't get to talk much to Arik. My thought process, as wrong as it is, says "Never mind if he is busy setting up and tearing down equipment, I haven't seen or talked to him in a while, he should do more than wave back and shrug apologeticly. Therefore, he must not care, so I will not talk to him." And yeah, the next time I see him, the same thought process comes.
There are two problems: 1) we are busy, 2) we still have feelings for each other. It feels like distance has corroded something and so I tease, knowing that he is already in a relationship and I shouldn't, but wanting some kind of connection still. So to prevent that, I do not see him, but when I do, the same cycle continues.
I tried formally to cut off contact, but that didn't work. Oddly enough, I have no problem just not talking to him on the phone. It isn't hard to do when the first thing you want to do is either write, sleep or use computer. I do miss the long conversations, the long hashing out of dreams and hopes, of wanting to be the biggest thing in the world and trying to accept that it just didn't work out that way. Trying to break out of the idea that if you are not loved by everyone, then no-one loves you. Some of you helped in refuting that idea. Some people IRL did too.
I do figure that I still have time, and it is a matter of picking goals and taking baby steps. Age works in my favor; I'm not dead yet. :)
Today, I will spend the day in bed, since I feel congested. Maybe drink tea. Maybe listen to muffled indie rock that reminds me of being sick during high school and listening to college radio.
Went to the Boston Rock Opera after. Since it was crowded, I couldn't see, and the smoke aggravated my cold (although I do agree with
teddywolf, smoking licences would be a better alternative than outright bans).I was also disappointed that I didn't get to talk much to Arik. My thought process, as wrong as it is, says "Never mind if he is busy setting up and tearing down equipment, I haven't seen or talked to him in a while, he should do more than wave back and shrug apologeticly. Therefore, he must not care, so I will not talk to him." And yeah, the next time I see him, the same thought process comes.
There are two problems: 1) we are busy, 2) we still have feelings for each other. It feels like distance has corroded something and so I tease, knowing that he is already in a relationship and I shouldn't, but wanting some kind of connection still. So to prevent that, I do not see him, but when I do, the same cycle continues.
I tried formally to cut off contact, but that didn't work. Oddly enough, I have no problem just not talking to him on the phone. It isn't hard to do when the first thing you want to do is either write, sleep or use computer. I do miss the long conversations, the long hashing out of dreams and hopes, of wanting to be the biggest thing in the world and trying to accept that it just didn't work out that way. Trying to break out of the idea that if you are not loved by everyone, then no-one loves you. Some of you helped in refuting that idea. Some people IRL did too.
I do figure that I still have time, and it is a matter of picking goals and taking baby steps. Age works in my favor; I'm not dead yet. :)
Today, I will spend the day in bed, since I feel congested. Maybe drink tea. Maybe listen to muffled indie rock that reminds me of being sick during high school and listening to college radio.
