more thoughts at work
Jun. 26th, 2003 07:44 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
taratemimaSome good, some bad.
Feel shaky and nausetated. This morning, tired and sweaty. I love summer. I was only able to work eight hours. Does that make me a wuss? So tired. . .
Forgot myself and blew my nose loud. Dammit. I have to go to the bathroom to do that.
Drifting in and out of sleep. Took lunchtime nap, and everything seems surreal.
I turn over the implications of the statement 'when you are meant to acheive a goal, the universe makes it easier to reach that goal.' By that definition, I am not meant to be published, to sing, or do anything but stay in this job, stay in my mom's house and just wonder if I could have done more. Everything else is a struggle to do. Everything else no one is offering to help me with. Then again, I always assumed I would do it all by myself, and really, what obligation do other people have to me? I am sure I have obligations to other people, but not sure exactly what.
Got the listing of places to publish poetry, but no poems I deem fit for publication. Got an offer to submit stuff, but nothing I think is fit to be submitted. I have no idea if I am right, And someone asked me to translate
some manual into non-geek for no pay. I can deal with no pay, but feel bad that the job leaves little time to do that. Or I just waste it.
If I am not going to do anything special, what was the point of being a human target in middle school and when my stepfather was alive? So I could watch the things that kept me going on die? Watch every good idea fritter away, go unfinished or turn out to need so much more work to fix I cannot do it? So I can see that all I want is all I cannot have? Not for any fault, but because I just was not good enough. Only good idea I had was keeping journal, just to see progress and decline of each obsession and wild idea.
Let's see, all or nothing thinking, generalization. I know logically, I can't explain what it is that makes me worse than others, what this unknown quality is. I know it may not even be there at all. I just want to know what I'm doing here.
What am I supposed to do? How long do I have to wait? What more can I do?
To add to suckfulness, was told application not in bank records, so needed to reapply for loan.
When I was much more goth than I am now, or at least least lazy, I would make a point emphasizing bands from other genres I like. Now, in my work clothes, seem to listen to a lot of goth and industrial.
I found some examples of this brand of chocolate in Sweet Nothings in Cambridge. Didn't know they had a cornflake chocolate.
Feel shaky and nausetated. This morning, tired and sweaty. I love summer. I was only able to work eight hours. Does that make me a wuss? So tired. . .
Forgot myself and blew my nose loud. Dammit. I have to go to the bathroom to do that.
Drifting in and out of sleep. Took lunchtime nap, and everything seems surreal.
I turn over the implications of the statement 'when you are meant to acheive a goal, the universe makes it easier to reach that goal.' By that definition, I am not meant to be published, to sing, or do anything but stay in this job, stay in my mom's house and just wonder if I could have done more. Everything else is a struggle to do. Everything else no one is offering to help me with. Then again, I always assumed I would do it all by myself, and really, what obligation do other people have to me? I am sure I have obligations to other people, but not sure exactly what.
Got the listing of places to publish poetry, but no poems I deem fit for publication. Got an offer to submit stuff, but nothing I think is fit to be submitted. I have no idea if I am right, And someone asked me to translate
some manual into non-geek for no pay. I can deal with no pay, but feel bad that the job leaves little time to do that. Or I just waste it.
If I am not going to do anything special, what was the point of being a human target in middle school and when my stepfather was alive? So I could watch the things that kept me going on die? Watch every good idea fritter away, go unfinished or turn out to need so much more work to fix I cannot do it? So I can see that all I want is all I cannot have? Not for any fault, but because I just was not good enough. Only good idea I had was keeping journal, just to see progress and decline of each obsession and wild idea.
Let's see, all or nothing thinking, generalization. I know logically, I can't explain what it is that makes me worse than others, what this unknown quality is. I know it may not even be there at all. I just want to know what I'm doing here.
What am I supposed to do? How long do I have to wait? What more can I do?
To add to suckfulness, was told application not in bank records, so needed to reapply for loan.
When I was much more goth than I am now, or at least least lazy, I would make a point emphasizing bands from other genres I like. Now, in my work clothes, seem to listen to a lot of goth and industrial.
I found some examples of this brand of chocolate in Sweet Nothings in Cambridge. Didn't know they had a cornflake chocolate.
