(no subject)

[taratemima]

You know that "How to tell if your teenager is a goth" thing supposedly put out by "St. Mary's Catholic Church?"

I have come to two conclusions: 1) the bulletin writer hangs out with fundamentalists (Protestant biblidolators OMG!!!1!!) too much and 2) someone is having too much fucking fun.

Oh, and for some context, the Catholic Encyclopedia entry on contemplation.


Gothic is a very obscure and {So obscure that there are millions of websites and hundreds of books on 'the gothic subculture} often dangerous {Oh please. Your pocketbook is in more danger than you if your kid gets into goth} culture that young teenagers are prone to participating in. The gothic culture leads young, susceptible minds into an imagined world of evil, darkness, and violence.

{Or spending way too much time listening to the Cure and writing bad poetry.}

Please seek immediate attention through counselling, prayer, and parental guidance to rid your child of Satan's temptations if five or more of the following are applicable to your child:

Frequently wears black clothing. (Priests are goth then?)

Wears band and/or rock t-shirts. {Well, yeah, Blink 182 is of Satan, but I am not certain everyone who wears their t-shirts are goth}

Wears excessive black eye makeup, lipstick, or nailpolish. {Keep eyeliner on the eyeline!}

Wears any odd, silver jewelry or symbols. Some of these include: reversed crosses, pentagrams, pentacles, ankhs or various other Satanic worshipping symbols. {I thought pentagrams and pentacles are the same damn thing}

Shows an interest in piercings or tattoos.

Listens to gothic or any other anti-social genres of music. Marilyn Manson claims to be the Anti-Christ, and publicly speaks against the Lord. Please discard any such albums IMMEDIATELY. {Does anyone care about Marilyn Manson these days? Wait, Dead Can Dance plays some religious-themed music, so are they good or eval?}

Associates with other people that dress, act or speak eccentrically. {Because anything different is eval}

Shows a declining interest in wholesome activities, such as: the Bible, prayer, church or sports. {OK, I call Protestant: while the Bible is important, it is not the OMG only book you ought to read about God in Catholicism. But then, I could argue about the sports bit. Football isn't very wholesome; all those big, sweaty men hitting against each other and patting each other on the butt}

Shows an increasing interest in death, vampires, magic, the occult, witchcraft or anything else that involves Satan. {El Dia de los Muertos. Mystics in the Catholic Church. Medieval symbolism. Are these evil?}

Takes drugs.

Drinks alcohol. {Communion wine?}

Is suicidal and/or depressed. {That is the way to treat mental illness: fear and loathing.}

Cuts, burns or partakes in any other method of self-mutilation. {See above}

This is a Satanic ritual that uses pain to detract from the light of God and His love. {Yeaaaaah, like medieval mystics using self-flagellation, hairshirts and fasting use pain to . . .huh? Get closer to God? Ow, my brain!}

Please seek immediate attention for this at your local mental health center. {And for this too}

Complains of boredom. {Teenagers always do that. Being a teenager is Satanic, then.}

Sleeps too excessively or too little. {8 hours is God's chosen bed time.}

Is excessively awake during the night. {Lying awake at night contemplating your life and the nature of God is Satanic}

Dislikes sunlight or any other form of light. This pertains to vampires promoting the idea that His light is of no use. {Redheads are Satanic. And where the fuck did they get the idea of vampires and 'His light.' There is some group called "Vampyres for Christ." No really.}

Demands an unusual amount of privacy. {Monks who wish to be alone to think are gothic. Or evil.}

Spends large amounts of time alone. {See above}

Requests time alone and quietness. This is so that your child may speak to evil sprits through meditation. {Why is quiet and time alone so awful? Hey, isn't time alone and quiet essential for prayer to God? I guess the way to speak to God is in a crowded bus station. Yeeeeaaaaah.}

Insists on spending time with friends while unaccompanied by an adult. {Don't teenagers want to do that anyway?}

Disregards authority figures; teachers, priests, nuns and elders are but a few examples of this.

Misbehaves at school.

Misbehaves at home.

Eats excessively or too little. {Not really specifying how much is 'enough.' Of course, parents could spend more time freaking over 'gothic' involvement than treating their teenager's eating disorder.}

Eats goth-related foods. Count Chocula cereal is an example of this. {Kitsch is evil now?}

Drinks blood or expresses an interest in drinking blood. {"This is my blood, the blood of the new and everlasting covenant . . "}

Watches cable television or any other corrupted media sources. Ask your local church for proper programs that your child may watch. {Hey now, you can get Catholic masses and talk shows on cable TV. I have to wonder if your local church has a List of Forbidden Programs or will they just stare at you.}

Plays videos games that contains violence or role-playing nature. {Imagining yourself as other people is evil. Actors, writers and psychologists are evil}

Uses the internet excessively and frequently makes time for the computer. {Tech support is gothic. So is any theologian who keeps tabs on public perceptions of religion on the Internet.}

Makes Satanic symbols and/or violently shakes head to music.

Dances to music in a provocative or sexual manner. {So, what if the person listens to music and stares off into space? OMG communicating with eval spirits!1!!!!!}

Expresses an interest in sex. {Because having hormones is evil.}

Is homosexual and/or bisexual. {I don't think this is an and/or thing.}

Pursues dangerous cult religions. Such include: Satanism, Scientology, Philosophy, Paganism, Wicca, Hinduism and Buddhism. {Putting aside why the fuck goths would be interested in Scientology, meters, high sticker price, Xenu and all, that would make study of Aristotelian science, Buddhism's influence on Thomas Merton and the pagan symbolism incorporated into Catholic holidays and rituals evil.}

Wears pins, stickers or anything else that contains these various phrases: "I'm so gothic, I'm dead", "Woe is me", or "I'm a goth". {Those are lame slogans.}

Claims to be a goth. {Or denies it vehemently. That is much more reliable}

If five or more of these apply to your child, please intervene immediately. The gothic culture is dangerous and Satan thrives within it. {You know, I would think there were bigger things to worry about than that.} If any of these problems persist, enlist your child into your local mental health center. {Or check yourself in, if you actually start looking for signs of gothiness in your teenagers.}

~St. Mary's Catholic Church

{So far, I found nothing in Snopes.com, but I am watching for it}


Dear Heeb Magazine:

You ought to feel guilty.


You perpetuated a dumb and false stereotype, even as a joke, in your "Guilt Issue." Unfortunately, I couldn't find e-mail for the letters to the editor, so I am bitching in my LJ.


Plus, I like cheeeeeeeese (Family in-joke).