(no subject)

[taratemima]

To: American gun nuts, er, Second Amendment enthusiasts

From: the United Nations (Yes, the UN. Woogie woogie)

Don't think we haven't been watching the progress of the election. We watch every election where a regime's followers are pulling dirty tricks to stay in power. We've seen that you helped elect a man who is steadily eroding freedom of speech, freedom of religion, freedom of assembly and a right to a fair, speedy and public trial.

This seemed odd behavior for self-proclaimed libertarians until we lurked onto your bulletin boards and mailing groups. Come on, do you really think that 'clintonsux' was a complicated password?

It all came down to this: you thought that Kerry was personally going to kick down your door and take your gun collection on our behalf. Personally, we feel glad that after Bush calling us an 'ineffectual debate society,' that we still put the fear of God in you folks, what with those executive orders that Clinton fully intended to pass if it wasn't for Monica, but, somehow, Bush is too saintly to try.

It never seemed to occur to you folks that if we had that much power, you would be in a 'sharing circle' telling how your mom never got you that Red Rider BB gun for Christmas because 'you'd shoot your eye out' and how you never got over it. If we could stop every railroad, choke every currency and grab all the guns, people in Darfur would be having tofu and argula for their Ramadan evening meal and Sudanese government militia members would forced to write 'Genocide is very naughty' 500 times.

That's why we need your help. You're angry and you have the total artillery of small Latin American guerrilla groups per person. However, you have no focus, no plan beyond getting that kickass Soviet bazooka. We, however, have a massive plan for world conquest. But what do we have for 'peace-keeping forces?' Canadians who won't shoot at anything bigger than a rabbit. A partnership would be good for both of us.

What's that? You won't work for the New World Order? We won't buy your concern for national sovereignty. You supported a guy who outsourced your economy, you let Chinese slave labor make you those American flags and you make Jefferson roll in his grave every time you call someone criticizing the government 'traitor.' Come to the dark side: you will spend less time explaining why stammering and smirking are marks of a great leader.  

It's simple: we will let you keep your guns. We'll even get you ones that you would have to marry the oldest daughter of a Pakistani black marketeer to get. You won't need to wear uniforms. You don't even need to be sober. We'll rename 'peace-keeping forces' 'the Kick-Ass Brigade' and have a Hummer blasting "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue" follow you everywhere. We're OK with that: red, white and blue are also French colors.

What if you don't want to? We'll shoot you, take your guns, and tell Fox News you killed yourself because you were leading a secret life as gay French wine critic. What? Yeah, Murdoch turned. See, Bill Gates threatened to make all the computers in Fox crash at the same time if he didn't work with us. They run Windows NT. What was he going to do? Install Linux?

Your friends and family will know, you object. Look, if Fox News told people that John Kerry told Congress that GIs ate Vietnamese newborns, the network news would hold sober interviews with Swift Boat Veterans Who Did Not Eat Babies. No one will listen to them, and even if they got on, everyone will just think it is the 'liberal media' distracting everyone from 'the real issues.'

Plus, we have Photoshop. We can make that photo of you grim-faced with a rifle in your hand into you holding two bottles of wine and wearing a beret. Really piss us off, and you're marrying Saddam in that picture.

Don't fuck with us,
The UN