dreams of diving and falling into
Nov. 11th, 2001 03:49 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
taratemimaLast night, I dreamt I was swinging off a rickety slide/train track near a lake. I was unafraid, sure that I was protected, as I slid down and the rails starts to break (they were made of wood). I jumped near a deep lake, came up fast and wonder what will I do next?
Back in my waking world, I am still stuffed up, although not as sore. On an impulse, I IM'd Neal, but no reply. Maybe that's best. I remember being so nervous--I told me I would leave him alone, but there was something unsaid. What was it? I apologized enough to him long time ago, but no response means he didn't want it, right?
I must stop chasing . . .what? Am I happy with Sivan? He always tells me if nothing else, we could still be friends. I don't know what I want. So I spend aimless hours writing in LJ when I could do other things--record covers or finish that last chapter.
I had (still?) a crush on Neal because he was a good writer about things I may not dig all the way, but I could see why he liked them. He was also short and dark-haired, which I actually liked. I don't discriminate on height, really. I fell with Sivan for all of his weirdness, he was very kind and creative. I find a lot of similiarities with Arik and me, the being affected deeply by music, the need for affection, the talking alot about odd topics. Sula was fun and caring, Bari was a good keyboard player and composer, good at making me feel pretty, and also good at making me feel isolated (whether she knows it or not). Amadeo had nice eyes and esoteric interests, as did Aidan.
What would I do with them? Kiss them? Take them to tea? Hold them close? My usually pornographic imagination stops there. It just make me feels too impure to try anything more.
None of them want me. I can't tell you how many times I asked why. I looked at the obvious--not everyone wants chubby SOs and not everyone wants shy SOs. It doesn't mean 'nobody' wants one, and some really good people like me, but why do I want those who don't want me? I think I went on about X being the qualities I don't have and Y being the qualities I do have.
I could change some of X I guess. Maybe I should work at losing weight, eat less, walk more, talk to strangers more, join Toastmasters. Why don't I feel like it? What is missing?
Back in my waking world, I am still stuffed up, although not as sore. On an impulse, I IM'd Neal, but no reply. Maybe that's best. I remember being so nervous--I told me I would leave him alone, but there was something unsaid. What was it? I apologized enough to him long time ago, but no response means he didn't want it, right?
I must stop chasing . . .what? Am I happy with Sivan? He always tells me if nothing else, we could still be friends. I don't know what I want. So I spend aimless hours writing in LJ when I could do other things--record covers or finish that last chapter.
I had (still?) a crush on Neal because he was a good writer about things I may not dig all the way, but I could see why he liked them. He was also short and dark-haired, which I actually liked. I don't discriminate on height, really. I fell with Sivan for all of his weirdness, he was very kind and creative. I find a lot of similiarities with Arik and me, the being affected deeply by music, the need for affection, the talking alot about odd topics. Sula was fun and caring, Bari was a good keyboard player and composer, good at making me feel pretty, and also good at making me feel isolated (whether she knows it or not). Amadeo had nice eyes and esoteric interests, as did Aidan.
What would I do with them? Kiss them? Take them to tea? Hold them close? My usually pornographic imagination stops there. It just make me feels too impure to try anything more.
None of them want me. I can't tell you how many times I asked why. I looked at the obvious--not everyone wants chubby SOs and not everyone wants shy SOs. It doesn't mean 'nobody' wants one, and some really good people like me, but why do I want those who don't want me? I think I went on about X being the qualities I don't have and Y being the qualities I do have.
I could change some of X I guess. Maybe I should work at losing weight, eat less, walk more, talk to strangers more, join Toastmasters. Why don't I feel like it? What is missing?
