A man on a train platform

It feels like I can only stand work two or three hours at a time. Anymore makes me ill or agitated. You'd think with all this time, I can work more, maybe even full-time. But the thought of it makes me disgusted and anxious somehow. Plus, there are times when I can't wake up, don't want to wake up, don't wake up until 1pm. I just can't do that.

I saw someone who looked like R waiting for the train. Same coat, same hat. He walked past me, and I was afraid to take a closer look. Looking for a seat, I was afraid he was thinking I was stalking him. Thank god we got on different train cars, and got off at different stations.

I wanted to talk to him, try to get to know him more, ask him for coffee. No, no. He probably is still dating L. He doesn't think of me that way, I'll bet. We don't really e-mail each other, and that attempt to do so was a confusing diaster on my part ("Did I actually forget to reply?" "No, I just did not use it until now." No reply after). I have nothing he would want in a relationship, he is busy with grad school, I probably couldn't keep up with him intellectually, I am broke often, I am not financially independent, I'm moody and will add to his stress. Rejection is sure.

Why try it? Just because I melt when I see his face? Because I like his writings, think his research areas are really . . .keen (Probably not the adjective to use for graduation applications. "I want to apply to the Media Lab because the multi-media and cognitive science research done there is nifty."). What does it matter what I want? Why risk when I know I will fail?

And anyway, the problem isn't I want to date him. The problem is I am so discontented that any distraction--writing, work, money, school, love--will do. Or am I not admitting I am attracted to someone, want to be with someone who is nice to me, and am afraid I am making too much out of small gestures?

Memory protect: The times I have gone to Deli Haus

1. After Manray:
   

   
   Jhn was ranting about some person in Toronto. I ordered a bagel pizza and a Thursdae, more for taste and not realizing how big the sundae. I never got a chance to find a way of finishing ("I don't care about the environment--put the ice cream into some stryofoam cups!")

   
   

2. Lunch time after X-Men
   

   
   One possible cure for pain--an open face roast beef sandwich.

   
   

3. Pre-Arisia lunch with Tnn
   

   
   Tnn is what I would call a milachaterian, eating fish as well as vegetables, eggs, and milk. Duran Duran and the state of her business came up. So did an ex with dreams of entering robotics with community college courses under his belt. "Looks like stupidity is one of his more enduring qualities." That made her laugh.