taratemima | A man on a train platform

It feels like I can only stand work two or three hours at a time. Anymore makes me ill or agitated. You'd think with all this time, I can work more, maybe even full-time. But the thought of it makes me disgusted and anxious somehow. Plus, there are times when I can't wake up, don't want to wake up, don't wake up until 1pm. I just can't do that.

I saw someone who looked like R waiting for the train. Same coat, same hat. He walked past me, and I was afraid to take a closer look. Looking for a seat, I was afraid he was thinking I was stalking him. Thank god we got on different train cars, and got off at different stations.

I wanted to talk to him, try to get to know him more, ask him for coffee. No, no. He probably is still dating L. He doesn't think of me that way, I'll bet. We don't really e-mail each other, and that attempt to do so was a confusing diaster on my part ("Did I actually forget to reply?" "No, I just did not use it until now." No reply after). I have nothing he would want in a relationship, he is busy with grad school, I probably couldn't keep up with him intellectually, I am broke often, I am not financially independent, I'm moody and will add to his stress. Rejection is sure.

Why try it? Just because I melt when I see his face? Because I like his writings, think his research areas are really . . .keen (Probably not the adjective to use for graduation applications. "I want to apply to the Media Lab because the multi-media and cognitive science research done there is nifty."). What does it matter what I want? Why risk when I know I will fail?

And anyway, the problem isn't I want to date him. The problem is I am so discontented that any distraction--writing, work, money, school, love--will do. Or am I not admitting I am attracted to someone, want to be with someone who is nice to me, and am afraid I am making too much out of small gestures?