(no subject)

So, I am late for work and waiting for the bus. I am wondering what next, what to entertain myself with until I hear the familiar roar. Yesterday was a bummer, with short questions interspersed with customers who are just not getting it, even when the call is escalated to the unit manager. I tend to hate those because I feel that I failed in explaining to the customer what is going on and I resent myself and them for still being confused/angry/alarmed. Oh well, after the credit card bill is paid up, I just have to worry about sending payment to Sallie Mae.

I just know I feel tired, and the only thing motivating me is going to pick up my paycheck and buying a few more folders. Getting that organization project out of the way will feel real good. Getting the last three songs done will feel real good. Writing somethings will feel real good too. If I can go for the things I will feel good about later than distracting myself with things that feel good now. I almost don't want to go to work today, with all the things I want to get done after.

Ambitious or pompous?

You know, I have thought of talking about the Minor Local Music Celebrity I ran into at the acoustic performance at the Linwood, someone whose parties I've gone to on occasion (and met Bari and Arik at, weirdly enough). Soooo, one person was tipsy and ranting. "She's so pompous, I hate her, how do you deal with her?" "Uh, I have a high tolerance for . . ." "Assholes?" "No, I was thinking more weirdos."

It's not an insult at all. I mean, you don't get to be a Minor Local Music Celebrity if you did not barrel ahead with the strength of your own beliefs, no matter if they piss people off. At the same time, hey, guess what, sometimes you barrel over people with what you want. Not to mention your ideas aren't always going to be great. It's that fine line between being ambitious and being pompous.

But she has done something for me, not obvious at first. After participating in one of her projects, I wrote my first song since I was 13. I didn't worry that no one would get it, or that it wasn't polished, I had these words in my head, and thought people should hear them. She, just by getting me on stage, made me think I could do this too. I falter at times about the music/reading out loud thing, but somehow, I did before, I saw someone with her own ideas be successful (mostly), why not me? I wrote one of my first non-school essays about being in one of her performances in New York. There is a lot I did or plan to do because of her influence.

At the same time, she is not my closest friend. I think I was overly familiar when I was younger, but hell, I was like that when someone pays a small bit of attention. Still am, really. I've mellowed out, maybe she still remembers this long teary letter about all the people I had crushes on who weren't as into me. *shrug* Maybe just by listening to me, even by she confessing it made her sad, I felt I was deserving of affection, for a moment.

I am rambling, I have a right to. The people who made the biggest impacts on me were weird. Sivan, especially. For all his sleeping in classrooms and hitting on teenage goth girls, he also listened to my ideas and exposed me to new ones. Because of him, I am going to read Titus Groan one of these days.

People who gone on with the strength of their beliefs make me more sure of my own.