taratemima | What lies in the directories of memory . . .

I went to an acquaintance's website, and found no web pages, but lots of photos. Photos of animals and parties, and friends.

Some of whom I have had torches for. One is in some northwestern city, one is somewhere in New England, and the two others may or may not still date each other and live in Cambridge. I can't even call it a crush, because it doesn't make me feel like 'I want you, can't have you, but I can still look at you.' It's 'I want you, I can't have you because I am never good enough for anyone, just ask Jhn, and I either throw out hints, stare at pictures, try to not to stare at pictures because it hurts so much, knowing that there must be something so flawed with me that you don't want me, that I am that repulsive to people, that I am only worth three minutes of small talk at parties.'

I am not satisfiedwith where I am. I am not sure if there is that, pardon me, oh demi-gods of cynicism, soul-mate, that beshart, is there, dead in Sri Lanka, or waiting. Maybe these friends of an acquaintance were not it. I can take it. I want to know why, but I am afraid that they see what a facade of sweetness and creativity I have, that I am actually manipulative, shallow, and hateful. I can't take the idea that this is a life-long thing, that I may as well get my 401(k) in gear, and take in multiple cats. I don't want to be on welfare like Mommy, of course.

Maybe I need to see them naked in some public setting. No, I'm serious. Seeing someone's cam just killed a good chunk of longing I had for them.

Not because I'm a big prude--if she is comfortable doing the live-cam stuff, I wish her well. I just hate the thought that the first time I saw her naked, it was with some horny recluse living with their parents. There was nothing special or intimate about it, nothing like I daydreamed about. I felt even more alone than ever.

So now that I have revealed my sex-negativity, my propensity for delusion and over-investment, *and* my prejudice against people living with their parents (me, for instance), I just realize that I should either go to work or go home. I am running on five hours of sleep, a menstrual cycle, and nothing to do.

I can't even believe I wrote this after trying to comfort some random Livejournal user about her body/attractiveness issues.