rare moment

Well, I have little to do, need to find a way to pass in my Symbolic Logic Tarski's World homework, and I am hungry, forgot my bus pass, and worried I lost it.

I am catching up on old Friends of Ruth posts. A line struck me: "It seems to me that the Torah condemns all those who worship any god that is not the true Creator," and in the reply "I am coming to the conclusion that I don't have a clue what the word "condemns" means."

I sometimes go over the concept of 'idolatry' in my head. It's one of those fighting words that rankles religious people. Are you talking worship of a god with a different name from the Creator? How can I be sure these are not one and the same (something the Hindus and some neo-pagans with a pantheist bent would argue). If the belief in a god is not necessary, but self-examination and self-denial is emphasized (i.e., Buddhism), is it still idolatry?

It seems that you are mostly likely to get a shit storm going if you suggest that Christianity is idolatrous. Neo-pagans, Buddhists, Taoists, Hindus, will see the whole term as at best, a different opinion, or an attempt of a worshiper of a tribal deity to smear them. To say that would cut Christians to the quick, considering that they take a chunk of their theology from the Tanach. However, they take even more from mystery cults and Greek philosophy. Pagan sun gods and all that. And what's with making a 2000 year old human the same as the Creator?

While it makes me giggle to see some Orthodox Jewish and conservative media folks ranting about the decline of morals and aligning themselves with *gasp* idolaters, I am not sure if I am right, or even if I should tell my views off-line. You can ignore e-mail, but I'd insult a lot of acquaintances, friends, and family with viewing most religions as worshipping something that is human-made and faulty. No one likes having their religion called faulty.

But most are faulty for my purposes: answering "Why am I here, and what I am supposed to do, with this urge to write and an easily breakable and often selfish heart?" By what standard should I put their religions or no religion? Does it push them to lead a decent life? Does it give them something to lean on in times of trouble? Do I measure it by adherance to gurus and priests, by the rules of the religion or society? How do they get a portion of what--final understanding of their actions upon the world, ethereal green fields, clouds and harps, a better, shinier next life, what comes after death? How can I be sure that this god is not made by my hands, but is still something I can accept with my heart and head?

I don't know. I don't think I ever will.

the sooper-sekrits of my names

The name of Tara has created a congenial nature with the desire to associate in friendship and understanding both socially and in the business world. Peaceful and settled conditions appeal to you and you are naturally desirous of having the security of a home, where your life could follow a definite pattern, and where you would not have to make major decisions. You find it difficult to take a definite stand, partly because you lack confidence, and also because you dislike any issues which create dissension between people. Procrastination is a weakness of your nature, causing an inability always to complete your plans or to concentrate for long. You need to see a concept presented completely in detail before you can understand it, and if you cannot understand it, you come to your own conclusion and often fail to listen to and reason out another's point of view. You resist being forced into change and could become almost impervious to new ideas. You desire refinement, understanding, and appreciation, yet sometimes your outward attitude does not reveal your innermost feelings, and thus you have never felt truly understood. Your name has given you a desire for heavy, rich foods, which cause sluggish digestion. You could suffer with constipation, stomach, or intestinal disorders, or disturbances in the fluid functions of the body.

Your first name of Temima has given you a rather quiet, reserved, serious, studious nature. You have sensitivity and appreciation for the finer and deeper things of life, the beauties of nature, music, art, and literature. The people who mean the most to you are those who can offer you intellectual companionship. It is only when you are among those who understand your deeper nature that you can really be yourself. The experience of having your remarks taken lightly or belittled, particularly during the early years of your life, has caused you to keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself. You do not express yourself spontaneously when conversing with others; hence other people may often regard you as being aloof, and even unfriendly. Your difficulty in putting your deeper thoughts and feelings into words can lead to problems in more intimate associations. This name has caused you to live much within yourself. You are rather easily hurt or offended. At such times you can withdraw into a mood, and may not even speak to others. Aside from these points, this name contains many fine qualities. You are a thoughtful, analytical person, and you know your own mind, even though you may not speak it. You are very conscientious and competent in all that you do. You take seriously any responsibilities that you have--in the home, in the community, or at the job. Worry and mental depression could be problems in your life. Physically, any weaknesses in your health would centre in the heart, lungs, or bronchial organs (Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. *cough*).

(Side note on the list of names: what kind of cruel parent would name their daughter 'Telemarketer'?)

What lies in the directories of memory . . .

I went to an acquaintance's website, and found no web pages, but lots of photos. Photos of animals and parties, and friends.

Some of whom I have had torches for. One is in some northwestern city, one is somewhere in New England, and the two others may or may not still date each other and live in Cambridge. I can't even call it a crush, because it doesn't make me feel like 'I want you, can't have you, but I can still look at you.' It's 'I want you, I can't have you because I am never good enough for anyone, just ask Jhn, and I either throw out hints, stare at pictures, try to not to stare at pictures because it hurts so much, knowing that there must be something so flawed with me that you don't want me, that I am that repulsive to people, that I am only worth three minutes of small talk at parties.'

I am not satisfiedwith where I am. I am not sure if there is that, pardon me, oh demi-gods of cynicism, soul-mate, that beshart, is there, dead in Sri Lanka, or waiting. Maybe these friends of an acquaintance were not it. I can take it. I want to know why, but I am afraid that they see what a facade of sweetness and creativity I have, that I am actually manipulative, shallow, and hateful. I can't take the idea that this is a life-long thing, that I may as well get my 401(k) in gear, and take in multiple cats. I don't want to be on welfare like Mommy, of course.

Maybe I need to see them naked in some public setting. No, I'm serious. Seeing someone's cam just killed a good chunk of longing I had for them.

Not because I'm a big prude--if she is comfortable doing the live-cam stuff, I wish her well. I just hate the thought that the first time I saw her naked, it was with some horny recluse living with their parents. There was nothing special or intimate about it, nothing like I daydreamed about. I felt even more alone than ever.

So now that I have revealed my sex-negativity, my propensity for delusion and over-investment, *and* my prejudice against people living with their parents (me, for instance), I just realize that I should either go to work or go home. I am running on five hours of sleep, a menstrual cycle, and nothing to do.

I can't even believe I wrote this after trying to comfort some random Livejournal user about her body/attractiveness issues.

(no subject)

And now from "Too Close to Reality for Comfort Theater . . ."

The lyrics for "Deserter"

Three songs I am loving

"Lockbox" Disband
"Teach Me to Drown" Unto Ashes
"Two Wonderful Stars" Curtain Society

I guess I just put in bands I like in the MP3.com search engine, click on similiar artists, and get my ears screaming like a Beatlemaniac in glee. Oooooooh, maybe I should put in Beatles, but then that would be a grab bag. I mean, every schmuck with a guitar wants to be Lennon. Or maybe just listen to band that I heard so much about called Babyland, with inventively questioning lyrics. I think so, anyway.

I hate nights like this

I'm lonely. I want someone to talk to. There is no one I feel comfortable e-mailing. Calling is too far away, and too iffy.

I get jealous of certain people's friends list. I guess the only cliche of 'to have a friend, you have to be a friend' will be invoked. Fuck it. This is punishment for trying to get too close too fast to some people. I should have never even tried.