His Name Is Alive brings back something in me

I have been alternately bored, wanting contact, and panicking about work and homework. Work is so damn boring and nerve-racking at the same time (being an evil telemarketer and all) that it is more a matter of making enough hours to get paid decently and at the same time keep my sanity rather than advancing and taking on more responsiblity.

Flipping through some random journals, someone mentions His Name is Alive as an interest. I taped one song of theirs for a mix tape for Sivan, a little ditty with lyrics like 'can't go on without you/times three times.' I doubt that's the title--I really hate it when people assume that the most perdominant line in the song is the title. Don't people bother to actually search for the title anymore? Or am being being a pedant (great prep for a career in a used record store!)?

"You know, that song, "The Funk Soul Brother?"
"You mean, 'Rockerfeller Skank'?"
"It's called that?"

It sticks in my head, this very minimalistic song with this strong pull. He loved that song, and was surprised I even knew who His Name Is Alive was.

Don't get me started on the Swans, My Bloody Valentine, Ocean Blue, the Swirlies, the Blue Nile, Deep Forest, and (good god in heaven) the Cure. I put those on the same mix tape for Sivan too, along with some Augustus Pablo piece and Siouxsie and the Banshees (Impress yer friends--it's 'sue-see' not 'sue-shee' I think the 'sh' in 'banshees' trip people up). Play Disintergration and watch me crumple like paper.

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I've hanging here, for contact, any contact, trying to do my homework, missing work again. What is wrong with me? Do I need sleep? Is there something I am running from? Why am I feeling this way? This mania of wanting to talking about anything, this loneliness of missing people.

It's Matt, right? Oh god, not again. I know he is just a friend. Just a friend, and if I keep hanging on the proverbial phone for him or anyone else, people are going to wonder what the fuck. I walk like a zombie to school, ditch work, try to get in touch with people, try to fulfill appointments. What is the matter with me?

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That stupid alumni calling thing never paid me. I guess being fired the first day, I don't get paid for two days training or the first day. Oh god, what am I going to do now? Not just financially. I get paid Fri. It's that I planned to send in my LSA Fellowship application with the membership dues, get a bus pass. It's not going to happen. I am beginning to think I will need to quit voice lessons. I just can't stand working enough hours to avoid it. How could I have been so stupid? It goes from being a week where I am feeling optimistic about my chances to one where things just crumple apart, where I am hanging for some sort of sign. I have to work 11 hours to get paid for 20, when I punted working 30. Oh god, I hate my job, but it is so easy to just be there, something to steady me. And it isn't even doing a good job of it. I am scared of working x hours and getting no sales. I have no phone manners. I am too polite for telemarketing. I should put more effort into job search, but why? It is so easy to settle. Jobs are just there to pay for things, I don't expect to enjoy them. I am scared of something, of losing something, and I don't know what. I haven't gotten much sleep, waiting for notes, contacts. I tell myself I will work tomorrow, do things, work enough hours, get homework done. But I am stalling and whining about it.